stephanie - ashburnham, Massachusetts
Entered on February 24, 2009

It’s true that when I look back on everything that happened in my life, I remember the times that I wish I could just re-live all over again. I leave my present circumstances and think back to other times in my life – the days that I can never get back. It’s this feeling that I get, as I yearn for things to just be the same again. I miss that comfort of what was familiar yesterday versus the free slate I start off with each day.

However, I’ve learned that all this time that I’m wasting in the present won’t bring me back to my past. No matter how much I think about it, it won’t make me any younger, it won’t take me back to my childhood days; it won’t change how things are and give me the way things used to be. I see that no matter how much I wish I could go back, there is no turning back. I am where I am and I have to keep moving forward.

After all this realization I’ve come to believe that happiness isn’t having what you want; it’s wanting what you have…I take a look at my present life and realize all the opportunities that came together to give me the position I’m in today. I think about how lucky I am that I’m living in a house that I would have considered my dream home years ago. I’ve left my real home to go out and live with my boyfriend, something I could have never pictured actually happening. Situations are coming together without me even planning for it.

I’ve realized I don’t need to keep wanting and wanting. I’ve learned that things will come my way, be given unexpectedly, and it’s possible that this is what has made me happy.

I let go of my control because I notice that good things will come unexpectedly. Happiness really isn’t having what you want. I don’t know how many times where I gotten what I wanted, and then wanted more. I wanted a digital camera, and if I got that I wanted an ipod, after the ipod I wanted and wanted and wanted. I kept pushing but I was never able to satisfy myself. I don’t know about you, but when I plan exactly what I want and then I don’t get it – I’m not happy. That’s why I’ve given up on this control where I’m hoping for a specific outcome. I believe that things don’t have to go my way all the time because there are things in life that I, just plain, can’t have. Events don’t always turn out according to plan, and that’s why it’s important to be happy with what I’ve got.

That is true happiness. I look at my life, all that has come together, and this is what I want. I want what I already have. I do believe that – happiness isn’t having what you want; it’s wanting what you have. There’s no point now in looking back and wishing for those days back, because when I wish for my past back, I miss out on the life I have now. So from now on, no looking back, there’s time for that when I die.