Trapped in the Darkness

Brittany - Riverside, California
Entered on February 20, 2009

Before starting my sophomore year I promised myself to make my life the best to its abilities, but I ended up being trapped in the darkness, never to look at life the same way.

The previous year I lost a Grandfather, but this year I lost a Grandmother who gave more of an impact on me. I always imagined that I would never be put in some certain situations; I thought were never possible, I was totally wrong. My Grandmother had been sick all her life, I never even remember her ever walking, or not feeling at least bit poorly, now she is put into a coma. I didn’t know what to do; it is already too late to change things, especially never being there for her before the coma ever even occurred. My Grandfather, who took it the hardest, had to choose between keeping her on life support or ending it all together, he chose to end. What could we do? She said years before, that she didn’t want to be held to a machine, but I couldn’t accept the fact that now, she is gone, over, done, that I absolutely cannot change anything.

The next few days were the worst, I could not function, I was struggling so much to hold myself together, but the past was haunting me, everywhere I turn I see my ghosts. Unfortunately, one day I started feeling sick, my parents thought I was dying, same as my friends, and same as me. Turns out I wasn’t dying, but I had a peptic ulcer, which explains all severe pain, nausea, and long, long, days of being home of isolation. Having all of the events occur all in the same year it got me very weak. I lost my power, control, confidence, my faith and will, and happiness, that I became extremely depressed. I never told anybody what I was feeling or what I thought, all of it was just piled up like a bricks on a wall, trapping me inside of my own doing. What can I possibly do? I don’t really want to talk to anybody, I just want to be in my room and sleep, but I do not want to sleep. I cry every day, which sometimes I do not know why I was crying. The pain never stops, that one day, I was going to take my Tylenol, it was just going to be two tablets, but for some reason, I did not stop pouring just kept falling like water. I realize that, that was not the direction I didn’t want to go because someone once told me that, “Things never turn out the way you planned, you cannot control it, so, don’t let your past dictate your future.”

No, I choose to accept life and its choices, and that death is only a passage, not a destination. In addition, I will live my life through clear waters and step by step bring myself, back into the light. This I believe.