i beleive in forgivenes

Claudia - casa grande, Arizona
Entered on February 17, 2009
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: forgiveness

I believe in forgiveness. As I woke up this morning I hear my phone ring, at

Mid song I answer the phone and it’s my dad “hey Claudia, how’s college are you ok? Do you need anything? “. I know I need a lot out of him but I can’t ask him to buy me anything or offer me money so I say half truthfully, “no dad I’ll be fine I have all that I need.” And with a little bit of discouragement in his voice he says, “Okay if you say so Claudia. Take care I love you.” “I love you too dad by.” I say emptily. As I lay in my dorm room listening to my roommates playlist on her IPod I wonder why I can’t say I love you whole heartedly to my own father ?

Although my dad was a good father to me for the most part and was always

There to see me at soccer games he was usually buzzed or drunk. I remember when I lost my first game at 13 years old he seemed fine around all the other parents and even joked around with them. Once we were inside his truck he told me I was the reason why we lost and that he wished he didn’t pay for my season. I stayed in my room and cried waiting for my mom to get back home from work. As I laid there on my hello kitty bedspread waiting I wondered then if I loved my dad or if I could live without him?

I was not the only person who felt this way apparently, my mother questioned herself this to every time her and my dad had a fight. I felt like a diary to my mom who always told me everything she felt even when it wasn’t regarding my dad. One day she told me while we were coming back from visiting my mother’s side of the family (whom my father despised.) in Casa Grande Arizona, “They seemed so happy in their quiet suburban town and that’s exactly what I wanted for us.” But when we were home and asked my dad and brothers they hated the idea. Later that day when my mom and I were alone she said to me “when you graduate we’ll move out of here okay?” “Okay mami.” I replied.

Two and a half years later in late August my mom and I moved into Casa Grande

Arizona I enrolled in college and had a job. My father never called me or my mom until mid October my phone rang and “dad” was on my caller ID. “Hey dad “I said coldly. “Hi girl I mean Claudia. What’s up forget your old man?” he said slurring his words. “I’m ok. No I haven’t.” I said wishing I could forget. “I miss you,” he said, “and that other one ummm your mom. Yeah I miss her too. I think you two should come back its really hard for me right now.” I replied to him saying that my mom and I were happy and that we wanted to stay in Arizona but that only made him angry he told me, “What do you need college for anyway? I’ll buy you and your mom everything you need there’s nothing to lose!”. It seemed like a great deal but I wanted to no help from him and I didn’t need him to make him happy. He then told me after my full 2 minutes of silence, “ You’re not my daughter anymore!”

That night I fell asleep crying myself to sleep . What kind of father denies his

own child and why? I felt so betrayed and enraged by my father and as I told my mom that morning she told me that everything would be okay and the best way to hurt my dad is to prove him wrong. I melted into my mom’s arms that smelled like estee lauder perfume and I began to feel better. My happiness melted away when he called my mom that saying I was out of control and that I was being mean towards him all night . He even denied disowning me to make me look bad but for once in my life my mom told him he was a liar and was enraged as I was.

Enraged by his ignorance I found myself apply for a dorm at C.A.C. I knew that I’d

Need an education and as I lay in my bed reflecting on what led me to be here I feel somewhat higher than the way I was a month ago. Sometimes I wish I could tell my dad what I feel about him but I know he won’t understand. Although he knows what he’s said to me I don’t expect him to apologize to me and I forgive him.