The first day of my new life

Clayton - Harrisville, Utah
Entered on January 22, 2009

When I was 8 years old I leaned in my mothers lap shaking with my tears. It was a beautiful sunny afternoon, hardly a cloud in the sky and we sat on a hill overlooking the city in which we lived. “I hate my life! I hate it all I just wish I was dead, no body cares about me…I just can’t, I can’t…” the words of my soul that I poured into my mothers lap that day, I’m not sure which one of us was in more pain.

I was the proverbial problem child; In “Head-Start” if I wasn’t knocking kids off of the jungle gym or fighting over the prized tricycle then I could be found kicking someone down the slide because they were taking too long at the top. By the time I got to kindergarten most kids had decided to avoid me at all cost, I was routinely told to “go away” one day after a bunch of kids told me off they started to build a castle out of wooden blocks, so I went into the play area next to them pulled out my own tub of wooden blocks and started to lob them over the divider into the castle. I spent a lot of time in the corner…

I don’t intend to excuse my behavior at all, if the roles had been reversed and some kid did to me what I did to others I would have beat the crap out of him. The fact is that it happened, I was socially strange and very annoying and I was completely shunned by everyone my age. In truth I had no friends. Its been over thirteen years since the day on that hill but I still remember exactly how I felt, my heart was exploding, it was being ripped apart in a thousand directions all at once, that was the first time in my life that instead of bottling up my feelings I pushed them out. I was not ‘letting my feelings go” I was Pushing them out, intentionally cause myself more pain than was really necessary, I relished in the pain I feed off it I wrapped it around me in a blanket, after nearly an hour there was nothing left, nothing, no pain, no sorrow, no joy, no excitement, no feeling, I was just there peaceful and empty.

This has become my escape, when life is too hard, when my walls close in and I have nowhere I can turn I push it all out at once as hard and as long as I can until there is noting left at all, and then I start over. It’s a new slate I can fill myself with whatever I want to feel, and even if the same problems are still looming over my head it is easy to just sit back and see the whole picture of my life and the stress is just gone!