Sitting in an English class, my teacher has everyone raise their hands if their parents are married, divorced, or remarried. My parents don’t fit into any of the categories. I think maybe the teacher has just forgotten about this group, so I decide to help her out.
“What about those whose parents have never been married?” I ask the teacher.
In return, she surveys the class in regard to this new question. To my embarrassment, I am the only one to raise my hand. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked the question, after all. It has always bothered me that my parents never married. I was and am a bastard. Yes, that term is very hostile. I looked it up and it definitely applies to me. A bastard is defined as someone born to unmarried parents. That was 2006. Before then, times were much harder and that was when I began to question my parent’s relationship.
2004. Depression hits hard. I feel as though I am alone. No one loves me. Why should I stay here on this earth? No one will miss me. My mom is never home and I don’t have a relationship with my dad. He doesn’t even send us money to help out. Where’s my family when I need them? I just want the pain to go away. So I take the pills.
2008. Depression returns, only now I have a bit of hope. I want to be here. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, but I need help to solve my problems. I go see a counselor. I tell her about the hurt that I’ve experienced. The childhood pains. I tell her about how my uncle hurt me and so did other males in my family and how I think that maybe it wouldn’t have happened had my mom and dad stayed together. If we had a home, then I would have a place where I could be safe.
I sometimes wonder: if my parents had been married, would life be much better for me? Would my mom have been home more often, since she wouldn’t have had to raise two kids on her own? Maybe she wouldn’t have been constantly searching for a man to fill the void that my dad should have been man enough to fill. My thoughts are that: if a man can do the “deed”, he should be willing to take care of the product of that “deed”.
2009. Times have changed. I am engaged to be married this year and so is my mom. We have both been able to move forward. Even though life still isn’t perfect and there are many obstacles that I have to overcome, I am happy. I am ready for the challenge. I believe that even though pasts can be bad your future doesn’t need or have to be.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.