I believe in showing your true emotions

Jessica - Slate Hill, New York
Entered on January 20, 2009

Have you ever wondered when you really cried for the first time? Do you recall that first moment you felt you were in touch with the real you and nothing was left to disguise? I expressed that feeling during the summer when my friend tried to commit suicide.

It was an early summer sunrise when I awoke to a day that I would never forget. Getting ready for the day ahead, I reminisced about the previous night when my friend and I went on a double date that we anticipated for weeks. Anxious to hear her thoughts of the date, I rushed to the phone and planned to interrogate her with numerous questions. In shock, I heard on the other line a weak and dreary voice, and I knew instantly that her depression was kicking in. Although I asked continuously what was wrong, she ignored my pleas of concern that made me realize there was indeed something wrong. Without a second to spare, I enlisted another friend with me and we drove frantically to her house.

With questions buzzing in our heads, they vanished instantly as we stopped cold in her doorway to find our beloved friend sickly and weak under the covers. Kneeling next to her, we came to the conclusion that she had taken too many pills due to the half- empty bottle on the floor. From there on, a blur of emotions swept over me as sirens approached the house and medics came in and out. Peering into the ambulance as I said goodbye to my friend, I knew that my life would be forever altered.

That night, surrounded by my loved ones, was the first time I was comfortable enough to cry. I’ve always been the individual who believed in the positive of every situation, and I have always felt selfish to be upset. Putting everyone first despite my suffering is what I’ve lived, by and I never made myself vulnerable to these dark emotions. Relating sadness to weakness, I’ve always moved on, not realizing what damage it did to my mind and body. Experiencing a suicide attempt personally for the first time forced me to open my eyes to my raw emotions. From this heartbreaking realization, I knew nothing could block my emotions from rushing out of me and at that moment I was content with that.

To have every pain of anger, sorrow, regret, and worry hit you at once was an experience I’ve needed for so long, and releasing it through my tears was healing. Now I am at peace with myself by becoming more in touch with my healthy emotions. That day I woke up to the reality of life and how not push sorrow deep down inside of me. If only my friend understood this, perhaps she would be balanced with hers as well and would have second guessed her drastic decision.