So apparently I’m apathetic. I know this because at least 30% of my past girlfriends have openly expressed such sentiments. I say “at least 30%” of course because I might’ve been too apathetic to remember what the other 70% had to say. Whatever, I am more than over with this paragraph.
My latest failed romance often asked me, “Harlan, you stallion of a man, why can’t you just release your emotions and open yourself up?” And I would whisper back, “You mean make myself vulnerable?” And she would look back up at me, her round eyes beaming. “Yes!” And ever so softly I would whisper back, “Why, dear, would I ever willingly expose myself to harm when the considerably more strategic option of ‘being a man’ is available?” Defeated, she would develop a stutter, “But…but…” I would then stand and adjust my uniform. “For that matter,” I chortled, “why don’t we just tell the Spanish where to best place their armada to bombard our privateers, hmm?” Yes, I was a Renaissance British naval commander. And for the record, we dominated the Spanish.
Despite my clearly correct position on the matter, their comments always confused me. Why on Earth would anyone gamble on their happiness? Personally, I choose not to bet all of my metaphorical poker chips of emotional stability on the wager that my world will be completely unicorns and dandelions. I’d have better odds at the slots. No, as statistical analysis, probability charts, game theory, personal experience, and Gossip Girl have proven time and time again, to become “emotionally involved” will only end in pain, death, disappointment, or Chuck being stubborn and ignorant.
Life is full of so many grand disappoints, from breakups to defeats, to involve yourself in the “caring game” is the equivalent of throwing yourself off a cliff with the hope that you avoid all the rocks and happen to hit the small trampoline at the bottom.
There is a beautiful and unexplainable joy that comes from existing in pure ignorance, naiveté, and when all else fails, apathy. Actually, that was a lie; it can be explained quite easily: It works. End of discussion.
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