My friends know that I’m never the one to share my feelings and I’m definitely not the type to do serious soul searching. My friends know me as someone who’s always up for a good laugh. But the one thing that I don’t like to talk about or think about affects me everyday and I can’t help but constantly think about it.
I can never remember a time when I permanently lived under the same roof as my dad.
My parents divorced when I was in the second grade, but they were separated long before that. The last memory that I have of my dad in my house was when he sat my brother and I down, took my green crayon out of my crayola 24 pack, and drew an outline of his new house for us. I was terrified that I was never going to be able to spend time with my dad again. Sadly, I was partly right.
My dad moved into his new house in Overland Park right away leaving my brother and I back in Olathe with my mom. I live with my mom full time and I only get to see my dad maybe every other weekend, if I’m lucky. I try to talk to him as much as possible on the phone and we email each other too, but it just isn’t the same as having him there and getting to spend actual time with him. I feel like he has missed out on so many things in my life, and even though he would never say this, I know he feels the same way.
As I have gotten older, it has become even harder to put on a happy face and pretend like the topic doesn’t bother me. Unfortunately, it is one of the very few topics that do. Every time I think about how much I miss my dad, even though he is twenty minute drive away, sometimes it feels like he is across the country and I cannot help but frown. But I am going to keep putting on a happy face, it’s just who I am.
Guilt does not even begin to describe the way I feel when I think about the way I have acted and treated my dad. I have been stubborn, difficult, obnoxious, and have taken him for granted. When I look back at all the times my dad and I have shared, all the memories I have locked away in my mind, I realize that I have possibly the best dad any girl could ever wish for. My dad has never missed a game, no matter the sport, he always lets me pick the movie, even if it is a lame “chickflick,” and he’s always there to listen to my stories and tell about my day. The truth is, I don’t know what I would do without my dad and I will never take him or what little time we spend together, for granted again.
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