I always wondered what it would be like to just give in and give up; for the longest time, all I wanted to do was see if there was anything after what we call death. Time passed me by when I’d lie on my cold floor seeking emotion. I was alone. I couldn’t defeat whatever I was fighting. I couldn’t see the enemy, but I guess if the enemy is in range, so are you. I felt invisible. I’d dug myself in a rut and I couldn’t feel anyone trying to pull me out.
I never really bounced back from it. I tried to smile; I’d put on a happy face, but even in the moments that I was happy, there was this underlying sadness. I couldn’t put my finger on it- exactly what it was; what caused it? Why do I feel so horrible? Why am I so alone? I’d ask myself over and over, never coming up with a response. Slowly, I became blind to the world around me. The beauty was no longer breath taking and wondrous. It no longer made me curious. An adventure no longer felt exciting, but rather an every-day occurrence in the monotonous life that I was living. What is it that’s missing?
Through my trials and tribulations and pouring my guts out on any scrap of paper that I could find, I almost felt relief, but there was still something else missing. It took the better part of three years of this horrible feeling stuck in my head to crack the code, solve the puzzle, unleash an answer that I’ve been searching for. I believe that no one is alone. I didn’t have this belief myself till I was stuck in someone’s arms, my face buried in their chest, and a soothing voice penetrating the ringing in my ears. Someone is always there, even if you don’t realize it. I’ve seen lives pass me by without this realization. You might not feel the tug on your sleeve when you’re sitting in the empty house you call a home, feeling like your world is going to end, but it’s there.
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