I believe in a song lyric. As I played the Sarah McLachlan song Angel on repeat on my itunes, a phrase captivated me and became an essential element of describing who I am and why I do what I do.
“There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight.”
I believe that we all search for our beautiful release. I run sprints, lift weights, and practice technique for hours every day. I spend more time with a soccer ball than I do having a social life. I watch soccer on tv, dream about soccer, and when I drive by an open field and see anyone with a soccer ball, I stop to watch with admiration. I sweat, bleed, and cry for a game. I have done this for years. Some might view it=2 0as an obsession, some might call it hard work, some might say I am “pursuing my goals.” I don’t see it as any of those things. I see it as a process; and in this process is where I find my beautiful release. I believe that some people dance, some write, some sing, some bake, all to attain those few, fleeting moments of freedom. We’ve all experienced it—the perfectly pure, brilliantly rewarding, uncompromised joy of being here, now. It is the moment of peace when all else fades away and you are left only with clear eyes and an open heart. Fully enveloped in the process of your activity, performance is effortless and results unimportant. I believe in this process. My beautiful release never comes in a moment of glory, in the last five minutes of a game, or a winning play. It is born from the passion of what I do when it “doesn’t matter,” when no one is watching, when nothing is at stake. I believe that beautiful release comes from those things that we cannot go a day without thinking about. Whether it’s a person, activity, taste, smell , or memory, beautiful release can only be found in the absence of all fear and in the presence of grace, gratitude, and the joy of unconditional love. This is what I feel when it’s just me and the ball. It is in these moments that I learn a little bit more about myself and why I do what I do.
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