I do not want to bring about my own downfall or a conspiracy against me if I do not say this now. The truth hides deep inside my being. The truth is the fake smile that elongates across my face, the hypocritical voice, the laughs that you do not notice. I’m so sorry, dear. It is not fair for you, for me, or for anyone else that I am not candid with you. I must say these 36 months have been enough. Destiny must deliver her gift and you deserve to know that there is someone else for me.
Countless ordinary people meander around the sliding sidewalks of this inexplicable world and they step on each other’s faces with lies stuck on the soles of their shoes. Every single human has the right to know the truth.
I believe in that first encounter, when the sun and the moon become one – an eclipse, a phenomenon. That indescribable moment and realization that my body is in pause and for a split eternity all the stars fall into my hand. The words inside me drown and I do not remember how to speak. I quickly intertwine my virgin hands and suddenly find myself longing to know what it feels to hold his. I lose all my oxygen and somehow the flames begin to boil in my blood. A new song begins playing in my heart and it is on Repeat. The right brain starts taking over; hastily, I lose control of the steering wheel. The problem is that someone else is my conductor. I rise in the morning only to stare at his picture for hours. In class, I forget how to take notes; I just wonder if he is thinking about me wishing he could teleport and seize me in his arms and whisper those deep numinous words in my ear. I am yearning him near. I find myself smiling for no apparent reason. The only thing I am afraid of is that the scarlet red ornament inside me could shatter if I give it to him completely. I catch a piece of my hair and begin curling it round and round and the hand of the clock spins faster and faster. It is 11:11 and I still keep wishing for him.
I feel him in all places
He is the final thought in the night before I awake to the morning light
He is the spine-tingling kiss of the divine
The visible sensation of the sky’s candle on my skin
The inspiration to say things I have never said
I want, I ache, and I wait to see him again
So…anyway… I must leave you now. Take your pick: Stay friends or pretend you never knew me. When I met you, all I saw was a future best friend and yes, I will be brutally honest.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.