I believe that there is a death in each of life’s losses, and that our breakup is another death that deserves a eulogy.
You wrote to me and said we were lucky to share the untimely death of our friend, for this has made us contemplate time. But I contemplate time everywhere. Her death made me contemplate time. My experience of chemotherapy for 2 years made me contemplate time. Delivering 2 eulogies in 6 months made me ponder time. The many divorces, marriages, and births I witnessed this year made me amazed by time. The dissolution and restoration of friendships made me grateful for time. The slow healing of my heart after 2 other significant romances made me hate time. Losing Lulu, my soul mate in a grandmother, made me mourn time. We all have our tragedies, as you and I have acknowledged.
You wrote that time is not longer ephemeral when we contemplate it. I believe that time is always ephemeral. I think losses make it more so, as moments that occur and end suddenly. This is my resolution of the losses of my life though. Either you are stuck in the brief nature of the death, or you acknowledge what eternity can be found within that. e.e. wrote that “here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in mine)”.
So this is what I believe. In all these losses, in all these interactions. Romantic or otherwise, it does not matter, because life and time beat on. The one thing that makes everything and everyone eternal is that I do indeed carry each heart I encounter–I carry it in mine. It is like Rumi said, and I will misquote this one, but something along the lines of “lovers do not find one another, they are in each other all along.” So true for any loves of one’s life. I have found that to hold true for all of the Great Loves of my life–and very few of them have been ones suitable for making out with. So you will continue to reside in my heart–whether I want you there or not, that is who I am. I love hard and fast when I make the determination to include one in my collective. I am fierce in this way. It has its benefits and its drawbacks. But this I believe. While there is a death in each of life’s losses, there is greater power in the love gained in that loss. So I will carry you in my heart, as you join all who have come before you, to reside in that chamber.
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