I believe in Forgiveness.
I had just turned 15 and I was raped.
At that age, I pretty much came and went as I pleased. I had gotten too drunk one night at my friends next door and passed out. Two men took advantage of my inebriated state. At the time, I hadn’t really understood what exactly happened to me or how, but it would affect the rest of my life. What I did know is that my period was non-existent for two months. My mother found a note to a friend telling her about my premonition of pregnancy and came to find and confront me. When she asked me about it, and I didn’t have an answer, she proceeded to beat on me. When I told her I was raped, she continued to beat me some more. Probably not out of anger, but fear. She herself had been raped as a teenager. After the test was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant, we talked about my options and went to see the doctor. Instead of the doctor talking to me however, he conversed with my mother. According to him, the baby and I would both die if I tried to give birth. To this day, I don’t know if that is true or if my mother diagnosed it to alter my decision. So the decision was abortion.
I won’t go into details about that horrible day. My mind has conveniently blocked most of that memory, but I remember the drive home and seeing all the billboards about pro-life. I cried all the way home and wondered if God would ever forgive me. Finally after many tears and time spent crying out to God; it happened. I forgave myself.
My life today is so amazingly different from my former life of pain and torment. My life was self destructing and the Holy Spirit would not let me go. He kept challenging me that there was more to life than pain, depression and guilt.
It took me years – years of counseling, years of prayer, years of medication and support for me to get to a place of self-forgiveness. Do I feel it 24/7? No. Sometimes I get a reminder of that child lost and I feel guilt and shame again. For me, it is a journey of self-awareness. Recognizing my feelings, I now understand that, I will forever remember my child. I want to. Of course, I will always feel that loss. There will be reminders that will stir my emotions – that is OK too. At those times, it is important to allow myself to cry, take a walk, and take some “me-time” to feel whatever is in my heart. When I think about my abortion experience now, it is with hope. The hope of a new life and the hope of seeing my little one again in heaven.
I am still fighting myself inside, but God has given me back my life. The pain may fade, but the memory of what I did will never go away. The guilt that had overpowered my life is gone. The word ABORTION no longer makes my cry.