My parents always told me that “Life isn’t fair.” I know what they mean. Nights spent listening to arguments between them, hoping it’s all a nightmare and you’ll wake up to them smiling, the sun shining; a day perfection is embodied in every moment. But it never comes. You’re still listening, stuck in that moment till exhaustion drags you into a dark, dreary slumber.
But at one point, you stop waiting for that day to come and try and change things. I threatened to kill my dad with a knife because he was going to hurt my mom. Some may call it a loss of innocence. To me, it was just waking up from that dark, dreary slumber. Things never really got better. The next worst moment was waking up to feed my dog, only to find him hanging dead and frozen from my deck, feeling like I could save him if only I could get him down from there. It didn’t matter that he’d been hanging there for several hours…I had forgotten that “Life isn’t fair.”
A life built around all that, three years since I found my dog hanging off my deck, and I’m still going strong. And I walk into my second hour English class so that my teacher can ask what I believe in. I didn’t have an answer. I thought it should come easy, just do a bit of soul searching, write an easy essay, and get maybe a B- just to say I did the work. But it didn’t feel write. Every “I believe…” just didn’t fit me.
Yet, I knew I had a reason that I was still here. I believed in myself, that I was important, that I still had something to do. I believed in believing. Believing in a better tomorrow, that I’ll be needed, that I exist for something other than existing.
Now, I won’t deny that I had thought of taking my own life. But I believed in believing. A sort of hope that if today was horrible, the next day would be better, or maybe the week after, or maybe the year after. But I always believe something better will come of me still living.
So far, I’ve influenced people to keep going like myself, rather than die trying. I saved two friends that would’ve drowned, caught in the currents underneath a bridge. I’ve brought joy to people who were enveloped in sadness, their own dark, dreary slumber. But most importantly, I’ve given other hope and a belief. That tomorrow just might be better.
I didn’t know what else to write, for nothing else was right. Belief is something so simple, yet so complex that it can only understood through your actions, interpreted in the souls of others. You asked what I believed in. And I answered, “I believe in believing.”
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