Everything Effects Everything

Alison - Park Hills, Missouri
Entered on December 9, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

Have you ever really sat and thought about your life? I mean thought of every single thing, even if it seems insignificant? Every event in life is connected; one decision initially leads to another. It is a snowball effect, if you will. Well, I have thought about it, and I have connected everything.

I’m not going to tell every little event, but I can almost literally see the scrambled, dotted lines called decisions that make my life. I feel like it all sort of starts with my dad. My whole childhood was spent begging for love, attention, and acceptance from my father, only to be violently put down. This constant searching and never-ending abuse led me to have boundless self-esteem issues and make many faulty decisions. However, it also forced me to grow up, and now I have maturity far beyond my years.

I soon realized that if I wanted the affection I so much desired, I’d have to look elsewhere. I began seeing males as more than just friends. I never did anything with any of these boyfriends; it was just nice knowing I could attract attention from the opposite sex.

My love for boyfriends and my abnormal over-caring nature due to a lack of finding nurture in my home got me stuck in some rather awful relationships. One of these in particular, was an abusive one. As the old saying goes, a girl will marry a mirror image of her father, and I might as well have been the poster-child.

Thankfully, I am not still in that relationship. However, I had every ounce of self-esteem I had left ripped out of me. I grew a lot from that relationship, but it also set me back a lot as well. I still struggle with manic depression, anorexia, and major self-worth issues.

I honestly have a beautiful life. If I were in a crowd, I’d be the last person anyone would expect to have experienced such unpleasant things, and I am responsible for that. The most important decision I’ve ever made in my life was to stay strong and not let my vulnerabilities show. All things are connected, some that happen are good, but there will still always be bad. How life is affected by these things is up to the person in control of the decisions.