i believe in me

laura - ballwin, Missouri
Entered on December 7, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

I guess I’ll just go out with it, I believe in myself. That I am strong and I believe in hope. I am myself in everyway and I am the only one that can live through MY life. But not too long ago I was not so positive minded. On the contrary actually. I was a depressed child, the nobody noone knew. I didn’t have many friends, therefore not a huge social life that every teen wanted. I was a weird person I got to admit, but hey im me and you’ll have to deal with it. My depression started in middle school and followed me into high. Id take everything seriously and didn’t respond to it in the most healthy way. Soon after the discovery of my abuse, I was sent to an out-patient facility. Id been closed off to those who were around me, but then I completely shut down. Everyone else in there was worse off than me, and I felt like an idiot sitting there knowing I didn’t have a problem. But a problem I do/did have. I was a cutter, using whatever I could ( scissors, glass, paper clips, nails, knives) and id cut whatever skin I could, but yet I was smart enough to put it under my clothes, where nobody would know but me. I also startd to snort, but soon found it sucked and made me feel even more depressed. But then came the alcohol. My first drink at 12. My first drunk at 13, at my mothers wedding. My mom was furious and I was GUFN. So then I was poked and proded with doctors, nurses, family, friends, patients. I felt trapped and wanted to get out of there, and worse yet, out of my life. It came to the point that I wasn’t afraid of dying, I become afraid of living. More of a loss of interest. But nether the less I wondered every day what life would be like when I died. So I tested those who I thought really loved me. And was disappointed when they turned their back on the mental girl. I came to the conclusion that nobody would help me but myself. I was the only one who could save me. I had to reach way down deep inside of me, found the old laura. It was hard, I struggled for two weeks until I was finally discharged. I was clean for months, but eventually went back into my deep dark swing. I was depressed and falling, again. I made all the wrong choices, always getting myself in trouble. And once someone finds one thing about me, the rest falls into place like a brick wall falls on your soul. It becomes the domino effect, and with each domino, a heavier brick falls. And I go deeper and deeper into what I have now known to be as hell. But then came the weekend that changed my life. After a week of invasion and tearing apart, my cousin came into town. (we had been planning on her coming for months so she hadn’t just come into town to save me, but yet she did) she grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out of the gruesome hole id dug myself into. I didn’t know how a sentence could change my life. “don’t let anything take your happiness away”. you first have to think of your happiness. Mine became my horses. I couldn’t live without them. Ive tryd and failed. And when it came to any decision I had to make or I was givin a choice, I thought about my happiness and what choice would have a better effect on it. And to this day, I havent had one thought about cutting, drinking, or trying to kill myself. All because of my best friend. You’ll end up a happier person if u live everyday of your life knowing you have a choice and that you can control what happens to you. All you have to do is think. And do what you think is right. And it may not always be the right choice every time, but whos perfect anyway, but as you go, you’ll make better choices and create confidence and respect for yourself. Ah, im myself and I want to stay that way, and to die naturally, not from suicide. So I guess I believe in myself and those around me (most of them anyways).