If she was still around

Ella - Lenexa, Kansas
Entered on December 5, 2008
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: family

If she were still around

As a mother of 3 and a daughter of a woman who died at 47, I am often skeptical of life and what it has to offer me. When I was only 12 years old, my mother lost her fight with breast cancer. I was too young to really understand death. I wasn’t even sure when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, so I couldn’t even say how long her battle was. I have lost many memories of my mother. I know what was said to me about her and the memories that have stayed with me through the years. My mother was a single parent of 5 children. When her marriage to my father became unbearable, she left the tiny island of American Samoa and fled with her children to Hawaii. My mother raised us in a Mormon church. We were taught many things including strict manners, to love one another and to always forgive.

Because her life was taken away from me at an early age, I often feel like some of the things I am missing in my adult life are because I didn’t have a mother around to teach me. I have been through many trials and tribulations in my life and have learned many life lessons on my own. I often ponder how my life would have turned out if only my mother were around. Would I have rebelled in high school? Would I have attended college right after high school? Would my mother have pushed me to go towards a career? Would I have married someone from the same culture or Mormon upbringing? Would I have as many children as I have right now? My questions go on and on, they never seem to end. There were times that I have blamed my struggles on my mother. I don’t feel anger towards her for leaving. It wasn’t her choice to leave. I’ve sometimes feel sad that she wasn’t here to give me advice, to give me her shoulder to cry on, to be there through my triumphs and downfalls and to love me when it matters the most.

My mother isn’t here anymore. All I have are scattered memories not even a picture of her on the wall. I have my 3 beautiful children to give advice to, to open my arms to when they cry, to be there for them through achievements and even disappointments and to love them when no one else does. My life has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Missing my mother’s presence leaves emptiness only some may understand. I sometimes think that I would have been a different person today if she were still around, but what I forget is that she has made me who I am today, a loving mother.