The Desire to Love and be Loved

Vernon - Leawood, Kansas
Entered on December 5, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: love

I believe in the human condition, and, more specifically, the desire to love and to be loved.

Tonight, December 4, 2008, I am proud to say that my life, and further, my outlook on life, has completely changed. Sitting at my computer with a glass of chocolate milk to my left and a pretty active cell phone, persistently receiving texts, to my right, I came down with an intense spell of writer’s block on what seemed to be a completely normal night in the Estes household as I gave up a hopeless search for some usable, yet not completely meaningful, topic to half heartedly claim belief in. Logging onto Facebook, trying to waste as much of my time as possible, I was surprised to receive an instant message from a long removed friend that ended my search, having not found what I had originally intended.

The last time I had seen this friend was the end of sophomore year. Being a junior year transfer, I guess I have simply lost contact with most of the people that I used to call my friends. Me and, we’ll call him Bill, were always good friends, yet we never hung out on the weekends nor did we ever communicate outside of school activities. If anything, Bill and I should not have ever been speaking to each other tonight unless, in my opinion, it was for a purpose. As our conversation progressed from simple “hellos” and “how you doings”, my friend proceeded to reveal to me that he was severely depressed. Having just witnessed the end of a two year relationship, my friend told me of the hurt he felt. He spoke of his heart being ripped from his body, feeling the anguish of this girl, someone he whole heartedly loved, not feeling the same for him. The girl, we will call her Jen, was Bill’s best friend in the entire world, more than just the typical high school relationship, which Bill explained made the pain sting even deeper.

As I shared honest and strait forward advice with Bill, something I am surprisingly good at, I slowly came to realize that Bill’s situation was oddly similar to my own. Having wasted my time in a few frivolous past relationships, I have never had, nor have I ever desired, a serious relationship until now. Closing in on the end of my first semester of senior year, I seem to find myself experiencing what some might describe as a crush, however, this feeling is more. The girl, maybe she goes to our school or maybe she doesn’t, simply drives me crazy. Aside from the fact that she is both intelligent and gorgeous, she also possesses a varying personality that simply drives me to insanity, in a good way. In all, my conversation with Bill, combined with my dwindling amount of time at school, helped me to realize that it is time to make a move or forever sit to the side and wonder what could have been.

All in all, after talking to Bill on what now seems like a massively fateful night, I am legitimately happy to say that I believe 100% in human kind’s desire to truly love and to truly be loved. Further, as I sit and proofread what has now turned into four solid hours of work, I believe that, for the first time, I have written a paper that I sincerely mean, void of any set structure or required material that corrupts what writing is all about. Even though Bill and I seem to be on opposite points of the map as relationships go, I feel that we both share something that goes much deeper than a casual friendship. Call me a hopeless romantic or even an unrealistic dreamer, but I whole heartedly believe that Bill and I are human in every sense of the word.