My Essence of Light

Tara - Apache Junction, Arizona
Entered on December 4, 2008

My life has never been a pretty thing. My past is my past and I try to keep it there. I grew up in a broken town, with an unpredictable father who constantly showed how little he thought of me. My father was an egotistic man who placed himself before his children. My childhood consisted around him and his anger, the flashing blue and red light and slim silver cuffs. He was a controlling alcoholic and druggy, a man who was a drain on society.

As I grew older, my father stopped abusing my step-mother, but things hardly changed. I remained irrelevant in the eyes of my father, for he thought of women as inferior creatures, only met to serve. I never understood how he could look down upon me, his own flesh and blood. I loathed the fact that he was trying to turn me into something I wasn’t and he hated the fact that I would never meet his expectations. I was no longer going to sacrifice myself for him, or anyone else. Nobody was going to treat me as if I were worthless. There was a time I yearned to be accepted and I did almost anything to try to fit in, but it never happened. I was the girl who everyone teased and picked on, the one who sat on the sidelines watching. I was the odd ball. The untouchable. The leper.

As time moved forward the shy little girl grew into an independent thinker. I have changed in many ways, for better or worse. I developed in a world full of fake, cruel, and arrogant people who judged me based on my clothing, speech, and lifestyle. It wasn’t my fault my father didn’t work or that we lived in a shabby run-down apartment complex. To be judged over what your parents choices were is just plain wrong and I had had enough. It was time I stop being everybody’s door mat and start being someone beyond the choices of my father. Someone who I would respect.

So if people don’t like me for who I am, then it’s their problem. For I am my own and I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world. I will never sell myself out just to fit in, only to become yet another mass produced “Barbie.” I don’t want to experience the confines built by others, for I believe in being my own person. It’s sad when I see people sell themselves just to become yet another mass production, because from the moment of birth each person is given an individual self-essence. Within time that essence evolves and grows. It’s just a matter of not allowing those around to destroy or taint that essence. My essence can be found within myself and expressed only by myself. It’s like a star. A star that can be clouded and smothered by the darkness around, but if I believe in my star and resist, that darkness will falter and break. And there, my star, will shine like bright little beacon I know it is.