I sat in the emergency room with my parents and looked around wondering if they’d keep me in a room like this one. Its round feel and covered outlets reminded me of an insane asylum. Who knows maybe I really was, for a time, certifiably insane. You see I had a disorder. I couldn’t stop cutting myself and I couldn’t be happy. They called it depression and said it was a chemical imbalance. They asked if I could be trusted not to hurt myself. I said yes; I lied. They sent me home with some medication and a therapist’s name.
The therapist met with me a couple of times. She said I was too dependent on other people. She told me I was amazing and she knew I could be happy. Then she sent me home with a pat on the head and a “have a nice life” look. I sat on my bed staring out the window wondering, not why my life was so horrible, but why I couldn’t enjoy it. I had a good life and I knew it. But I was miserable anyway.
For the next two months my sadness increased. I stopped cutting just my arms but resorted to other parts of my body. Every night I looked at the roof and asked to die. I don’t know who I was asking because I didn’t believe in God then. Feeling worse than before my doctor visit, I made the decision to discontinue the medicine on my own. It wasn’t helping anyway. I’d lost many friends, my family couldn’t trust me with anything sharp, and my grades were slipping.
So I got down on my knees and prayed, and I haven’t stopped since. I decided to put all my faith in the Lord and let him take it from there. And he did. I haven’t had a major bout of depression in almost three years. Everyone says they don’t know how I can be so happy all of the time. I have friends who have never seen me sad. And it’s not an act. I truly am happy. Inside I feel happy. The Lord has literally taken me and transformed me. He healed me. Sometimes people ask me what the secret is to happiness. I grin and point towards heaven. God is the only one in my life I can forever and always depend upon. Everyday and every night I hit my knees. There is nothing I cannot do with the help of my Lord and Savior. And there is nothing I can do without the help of my Lord and Savior. This is what I live by.
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