Black Water

Melany - Seminole, Oklahoma
Entered on December 3, 2008

I believe life is about learning to control what you can and let go of what you can’t. My mother has been battling depression for longer than I’ve even been alive, and I have striven to avoid its bottomless depths. Everyone gets blue sometimes, but not over nothing. She refuses to take care of herself and her relationships, and would rather suffer the consequential feelings of loneliness and worthlessness than change her disposition. As if this isn’t enough, my mother also happens to be a chronic liar, and I say chronic because she’ll stay clean a while, but it always comes back. You can watch this woman eat the last piece of pie, ask her where it went, and she’ll be quick to lay the blame on someone else. Her refusal to acknowledge her own faults only proves her emotional insecurity and immaturity, and her weak willpower only feeds those feelings of worthlessness and isolates her further. Her explosive temper only ices the cake. She’ll spontaneously boil over at the most miniscule of events. But, in spite of her flaws, I love her. She’s my mother. I can’t control her. And while she continually waters these seeds of hatred toward herself and the outside world, I can only hope she’ll come to her senses and reach out for help. I know now that it’s not my responsibility to fix my mother. I used to blame myself for her behavior, but I slowly learned that what I did or said did not necessarily affect my mother’s actions. I also figured out that acting like my mother only put me in her extremely unstable and vulnerable position. I can’t alienate her, but I have to let her know that what she’s doing is wrong and that it also affects me. I can only be patient, and to flow through life I must roll around obstacles yet remain contained within my banks. I can’t just go crazy and become destructive, harming myself and others through my selfishness, nor can I give up and wallow around in my misery. I have to keep flowing. I have to trust people, even if I’ve been lied to, because not everyone is a liar. I can’t judge too harshly, because each and every one of us has our own demons; we just deal with them differently. I have to learn to cope and change, be flexible with others and yet remain firm in my own beliefs. I can’t change other people, but I can learn to cope with them, be willing to help them. It’s all I can do. It’s all anyone can do. Life is not about controlling others, but controlling yourself to make life better. Life is about learning from obstacles and becoming morally enlightened. This I believe.