Living Today In God’s Hands

Michael - Itasca, Illinois
Entered on November 29, 2008
Age Group: 50 - 65

The concept of trusting God is an ongoing process of practicing to trust

God. There is a difference between verbalizing the notion of “Trust God”, and

internalizing the reality into a life experience of revelation through prayer & it’s fulfillment. When we have fears, we are not trusting God. When we have doubts,

we are not trusting God. When we have overwhelming insecurities, we are not trusting God. For most people the idea of trusting God is all they hear, and on occasion read about. It hasn’t been internalized through trials, difficulties, or trusted into faith. We are, for the most part, impatient, refuse to trust that God’s timing is better than our own. Often our prayers are so desperate they get in the way of God’s work. Our worries are so great, our own answers, so few, we want to push God’s hand through self-centered prayer and place God on our own short deadline.

We never know our true mission in life till we learn the real internalization of trusting in God. I am not a theologian, I am a skilled craftsmen, somewhat trained

in psychology, who attends an anxiety group nearly every week, for years, trying to come to simple successful terms of living, yet hard to comprehend, till you see the structure of the works, in life experiences. Trusting God is a matter of faith, yet our desperation & forcing of God’s timetable for our lives-demonstrates to God our true lack of trusted faith. We want to push the time clock. For this reason of pushing the time clock, God will often offer mercy and grace (more concepts most of us don’t truly understand)- keeping us in position till he determines the timing, in the larger plan, yet to unfold. In our darkness, of clutter and confused thought, we do not see the clearing; unable ourselves to unravel the misconnects of our own thought patterns.

I was trapped in such an dilemma. Self-employed, low income, rising health care costs, the internal unset of personal health issues that were threatening my job and ability to generate income as I got older, now age 59. What would I do since, in my case, there would be no retirement? I had little support and no real family structure to count on- tended to be a loner of sorts. I saw a depression coming. I knew the symptoms. After all I’ve spent a lifetime learning to identify them. Even though I didn’t feel like it I immediately sought out help with local social service resources before the emotional crash. But crash I did. Then I was bed ridden: ignoring all but basic necessities, the days passed. I prayed, then prayed, listened to church music and Christian messages, then prayed some more. Nothing happened. Silence was gouging in my ears. I felt as if God had slammed the door shut on my prayers, and said, “I got the message, now let me work”. When faith is weak, hope is less; when hope is gone, faith weakens more.

It’s a cycle out of control with thoughts racing for self solutions. When the personal wall of emptiness is hit, and you realize you don’t have solutions, that it is now beyond your control and all you have is your nest egg of twisted thoughts-it’s then that God, often, will intervene quietly behind the scenes. It was here, I truly relieved my pain and suffering- made a total commitment to God‘s will, turning over the worries, the problems, the issues, and faith for solutions to someone other than myself. I wrote a small inspirational piece and placed it on my desk with scotch tape and read it daily before doing anything in my day. The sense of relief is enormous. Rather than losing control I actually gained control by giving my need for control up. It was here I internalized the true concept of faith and giving my will over to God’s plan not my own:

Today

Today there is peace within me.

I trust God that I am exactly

Where I am meant to be.

I have given this control

Of my life over to God,

& taken it away from myself.

This is the gift of faith.

His presence

Settles in my bones.

Michael Lee Johnson

03-24-07

A transformation started at this point. In my case, the medication started to kick in; a trusted friend came into my business since he was getting older with his handyman services, and longed for something that would be less physically demanding; a personal lady friend came over daily offering support and structure to my unstructured life; my mother of 98 years passed away, leaving a small amount of monies that would help offset the rising cost of health care Then another intervention that would prop up my laagering self-esteem during a time of trial & lose. I had a huge box of unfinished, nearly forgotten poems beneath my work desk. Poetry seldom pays anything but self-esteem. There were poems dating back to early 1967, literally sitting idle in a box for over 40 years. I had no incentive, Most of the papers were tattered & torn, wrinkled old napkins folded over with

ink smeared words placed there years ago; all waiting the creative hand of revival.

In my distress, fledgling hope, I noted on the internet the advent of electronic poetry submissions making it easier to submit, quicker to get responses than the old fashion way, submitting via mail. Knowing from early experiences in the 1970’s that the chance of an unknown poet (especially one that failed creative writing class in university) getting a poem accepted for publication, with a quality journal, was about 3% or less out of a hundred submissions. I revised a few poems and submitted them, expecting nothing. To my astonishment, immediately poems were getting picked up for publication. Knowing, in my own mind, I was not a good writer, with each success I attributed the victory to God. Perhaps, my self perceptions was in error again. Just perhaps. Within four months I have published over 121 poems, in over 49 different online literary, poetry journals! No money, but a lot of self-esteem at a time of depression.

God had waved his wand over me; taught me a lesson about faith, turning my will over to God & his ultimate plan.

Trusting God is a process, an evolution of faith, grace, mercy; it happens over time, not on your time, but God’s, personalized plan for you on his time. God hears the simple prayers.