Has there been a time when you felt like you’ve made a big mistake and there’s no way you can take it back? Do you think God has set plans for you and your life story planned out for you? I feel God has set plans and goals for me and I believe tragic events happen for a reason.
To lose a loved one is very difficult to cope with. The year of 2004 was the most terrifying, unbearable and heart aching time in my life. I’ve never felt so guilty and lost at the same time. The most precious person in my life had taken hers. My Aunt Tina committed suicide by overdosing.
I hadn’t talked to her for nine months. I hadn’t heard her angelic voice in too long. The last thing I heard and saw her lips say was, “The next time I see you; you’ll have one just like mine”. She was referring to a purse she brought back from Hawaii. I didn’t see the face I look at in the mirror everyday. Her looks were very similar to mine. Never in my life have I had my world completely stop for me to look around and see all the tragedies. I finally press play to bring me back to reality and realize what had happened.
Early morning on Tuesday, May 10, 2004, the visitation day, I was content and calm. It had felt like my emotions and body was uncontrollable but bearable at this point. I walked into the funeral home to the horrible and sickening smell of tiger lilies. I slowly followed my mom where I would last see my Aunt. Or so I thought I would. I walked into a room to see a navy blue casket where my Aunt’s cold and soulless body lied. I wasn’t fazed by the closed casket. Do you really think I’d believe someone was dead without seeing them? Finally I broke down in a corner without anyone in the room but me and my Aunt Tina. I could feel her around me. I had never felt that before but somehow and someway, it was comforting and amazing. I told myself to stay strong and to grow a back bone. I wiped my tears off, took a few deep breaths, stood up, and went on with my day as though nothing happened.
The next day was the most difficult to deal with. It was the funeral. I knew this would be the day that would remain in my mind as an event I would never forget. The music especially stuck in my mind. The first one was “Silent Lucidity” by Queensryche. As I listened to the words and looked at the casket, my body went completely numb. I could feel the way she felt when she has took her own life. Next was “Only Time” by Enya. The sound of the woman’s voice had brought cold chills up and down my spine. “In the Arms of an Angel” by Sarah McLachlan made me visualize her in heaven, smiling down at me. I will never forget her smile. “I will remember you” by Sarah McLachlan made me break down. More than anything I didn’t want her to feel like I ever forgot about her. I wanted to say goodbye, so I prayed to her. “Aunt Tina, I’m sorry we didn’t stay in touch because of the fights between you and my mom. I want to tell you that I miss you, I love you, and Goodbye”.
The funeral continued to Stamping Ground, Kentucky. Everyone stood around with pink balloons. I finally stopped crying to hear what the minister had to say. He announced for us to let the balloons go. I looked at my balloon, looked up to the sky then looked back down. I finally gave my balloon a kiss and let it go. I watched it until it disappeared.
Soon enough, it was time to leave but not for me. I watched them bury her until the last pile of dirt was placed upon her. I thought since she thought she didn’t have anyone in life, I would be there for her in death. I would be the one to make sure she was put to rest correctly and safely. Then I thought of how depressed she had been over her father’s murder, her divorce, how she never saw her children or any of her family.
I finally realized why she took her own life and I understood that she was happy. My Aunt’s decision made me believe that tragic events can happen for a reason.
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