Waking in the morning, without sleep or refreshment, depressed and barely able to get out of bed, I struggle once again to face a day thinking back to how I came to be this way. It was the start of school in the fall, senior year, the “best” year that ironically brought the beginning of the worst depression of my life. With a new job, three AP classes, an office in the theater company, moving for the seventh time, and a long distance relationship the stress was immediately too much to bear.
On any given day, if some made a bad remark, or assigned an unexpected homework, my world would easily come crashing down. Once I was just sitting in class, and someone asked me how I was doing with reading a book for another class, and I had to leave, because the mere mention was enough to bring me to tears. It progressed to a point where nothing was right, nothing good could happen, and I was never happy. I would cry nearly everyday and my depression inhibited me from completing many of the tasks that were putting great strain on me. At that moment, people close to me, began to tell me that things would be okay, and that I could get through anything. Unable to believe their words, I spiraled deeper now afraid to ask for help, fearing I would only hear the same things, that I could do anything that I just needed to try harder.
For the past week, I have been struggling to pick a topic for my English essay for This I Believe. Completely overwhelmed after a very long night, I have come to the realization that someday things have to get better. I believe that one day, I will not hurt as I do now. I believe that one day I will look back on this and be proud of how I pulled myself through it, and thanking those who helped me along the way.
I can make my own decisions, and choose how to act or react to any circumstance that life places me in; this is my power. Seeing this now, realizing this now, while I write it all down, I want to know why I never saw it before. Though I still have many troubles ahead, and many hard situations to face, I feel a slight relief thinking that hard times teach important lessons that I obviously need to learn.
I believe that I am not limited to my current state of depression. One day things will be okay, and until then, I’m still here, I’m still trying.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.