I believe I have the right to strive for the things I want. Being a mother is at the top of the list. The fact that I am not in a committed relationship does not mitigate this right. The fact that I am a single, successful woman with access to the necessary funds, doctors, and technology facilitates this desire. Having said that, I know it will not be the ideal situation for a child to land in. I worry what people will think and say. I worry that my child will feel different and isolated. But those worries are not enough to stop me. Plenty of children are born into less than ideal situations. I will be a good mother. This much I know. But it’s not working.
I’ve been trying for nearly a year now. I’m thirty-nine years old. I may have come to this decision too late, instead continuing to seek out the ideal situation and relationship that never materialized, and somehow, I’m not exactly surprised. Swimming against the tide seems to be a way of life for me. I’ve tried for many things that I have not been able to achieve. My computer is the only home of several novels that I’ve failed to get published. My screenwriting career started, but stalled quickly. My romantic relationships never seem to last.
But in the midst of all this failure and disappointment, much to my surprise, my career in technology immediately took off as soon as I attempted it. This career, that I’ve managed so much success in so far, was the default choice, a necessary evil to pay the bills until my other interests paid off. Ten years later, the default is still going strong and my true calling is something I squeeze in during my free time, but still, without any success.
This makes me wonder, as I recover from the miscarriage that resulted from my last in-vitro fertilization attempt, is the universe trying to tell me something? If I continue to fail in an area, should I take the hint and stop trying? If success comes easily from an unexpected place, even though it’s not my heart’s desire, is it meant to be? Is the path of least resistance obviously the right one? The answer comes quickly to me. No. I won’t accept that.
I can’t stop striving for what I want, even though the failures are hard to take. I believe in myself even when others do not and as my body betrays me month after month, I can’t give up the dream of becoming a mother. Perhaps swimming against the tide is my lot in life or perhaps I’m too stubborn to face reality. I believe that success born from struggle and repeated failures will be all the sweeter when it finally does arrive. If it never arrives, I’m not sure how I’ll feel. I can’t imagine what giving up looks like.
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