Nothing really matters to me. That is the statement that can pretty much sum up my entire outlook on life. It may seem to be a depressing outlook, but in truth it is an optimistic one. Because of this thought I find the negative things in my life to only be interesting, and not as painful as they might seem. Even death, that final and definite truth in this world seems terribly interesting to me, as I am sure it will be an experience like nothing I have ever had before.
Not that I came to this simple conclusion with ease you must understand. As a teenager I went through the standard efforts of independence for myself, and tried to find my reason for being as well. As such I tried many things, from drugs to sex, to anything else I could to try and find purpose. Until one day I discovered that through all my efforts, one thing remained constant through all my teenaged “rebelliousness” which was enjoyment.
I found I enjoyed every new experience and that despite my disappointment in finding no true meaning behind them; the actions themselves were fun, the journey being the more rewarding then the goal. Of course I have grown up since then and have some form of morals, as much as a college student can have anyway, but I also learned how to live for the moment.
I have learned through this that I am able to actually find pleasure where others might find pain. I find studying for tests interesting, and I find disagreeable people fun to be around. Every experience I take in stride and I find myself feeling better because of it. Even things like failing a test is not looked upon with worry or regret just shrugging, accepting it, and resolving to do better next time.
I still enjoy friendly debates about death, and the abstract, however I have accepted it as just using my reasoning to try and think, and gain another viewpoint. I guess one could say that I am too unconcerned to be a philosopher, and concerned enough to not be foolish.
I suppose that this means that I view my entire life as something of a game, an enjoyable exercise that finds its meaning in being enjoyable for me to go through. True some might call this optimistically nihilistic, but I find that it is the only way for me to wake up in the morning without feeling depressed about the world. This I believe.
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