It is no surprise that as I entered my early teen years I did not get along with my parents; however, it was not only my parents that I did not get along with, it was everyone. I walked around with the idea that no one understood me, especially any adult, and no matter what I did, it would never be good enough so why try. With the passing of a very close family friend, these feelings only increased as well as the distance I put between myself and anyone who tried to help. The silence and the tears that came from grief slowly turned into a voiceless cry for help. I knew I needed to confide in someone or even allow someone to simply stand by my side and be there for me, but I was too mad and ashamed to ask. Fortunately, my brother found a way. He refused to take “no” for an answer and became that person who would sit with me until tears of regret turned to tears of relief and I was ready to talk. It was at that moment I truly understood the importance of confiding in someone, and that not trusting at least one person to truly be there for me can only make the black hole of sorrow and solitude even deeper.
Over the next couple years the dark cloud of anger that consistently floated above me became smaller and smaller. I discovered that by allowing at least one person into this private area of my life I began to grow and become more aware of my own feelings. I no longer shut out the world because I was afraid it might not help. With my brother away at college, I was on a search to find and create better friendships in hopes of permitting someone else to see me during a vulnerable state and for a chance for me to be that person of support in return. On this journey, which will always continue, I have had many friends’ come and go for multiple reasons. However, the ones that have stayed by my side were the same ones that have seen me at the worst of times. If its from petty fights with my parents or boyfriend, to devastating times as when my Grandmother passed away, they were there like my brother was, waiting for me to be ready to talk. In return, I am more then willing to offer them the same support and loyalty that they have given me
Even to this day, it is hard for me to trust people with my feelings. The combination of support and constructive advice has helped me look at situations in new light and has kept me from making many decisions that I would not have benefited from. I have been told that crying and talking are qualities of a weak personality, qualities of a person who cannot handle what cards life may deal them. On the contrary, I believe to be able to communicate ones most conflicted and tangled feelings in words, is a sign of strength and to not be capable or willing to is a weak quality, but does not make one a weak person. Making that connection with oneself is much easier for some than others, but that is why I believe it is important to depend on at least one person in your life to help you overcome those barriers and be the support you are waiting for. There are many ways for people to cope with difficult times in life, some methods work better for some than others, I believe it is always essential to remember that there are people that care and are wiling to listen when you are ready to share.
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