This I Believe

Between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four, I was finding and defining myself against a background of strongly opinioned family, friends, and religion. I suffered a personal trauma which inserted itself into my life as an intrusive and constant companion. And, for the first time I stepped outside my childhood faith, visiting bars and making social acquaintances with people dancing with drugs.

During my first two decades, I was most impressed by the lengths to which humans go to find acceptance and meet basic ego needs.

At the end of that era, these things were resolved to me–they reflect a serious young person struggling to find the courage to follow her own heart, reagrdless of others’ approval:

I know not, right now, everything I do believe

But, I do know many things I disbelieve

I do not believe in needing some substance

To allow me to be me, to make me feel happy,

To drown my emotions or free my soul.

I do not believe in selling myself

To belong to any other group or person

Or to establish my freedom to live any way I please

I do not believe in laying claim to my rights

When it means disregarding the fact that

I exist also for others

Or impending in any way on another’s rights

I do not believe in pursuing pleasures

Whose temporary values do not outweigh

Ill consequences in the long term

I do not believe in embracing any faith

Which is merely my attempt to shape the world

As I desire–a choice to forsake harsh realities.

I do not believe in clinging to relationships

as intimate

Which are not mutual desires for a closeness

Born of kindred spirits and reciprocal respect.

I do not believe in trading my dignity

In any effort to allay my loneliness

For contentment with myself is worth much, much more

Than emptiness in a crowd or with two.

I do not believe in walking in another’s shadow

And care not to have others walk in mine

This I do believe, though I know not the depth,

breadth, or height–There is a God.

The freedom found therein is not so much

Related to the restrictiveness or permisiveness

Of our actions

As it is to the lack of bondage to any of these.

My then dawning womanhood has settled well upon me. At forty, I still honor those ideas–though tempered with less fear, greater maturity, and a sense of humor. I am also now a kind and moral athiest who demands of self the same respect for persons of religious faith that I expect of them towards me.

I believe good that which helps self and others achieve fulfillment of healthy potential. I believe evil that which hinders the same.

Wrapped around all my beliefs is a conviction that life is complicated and cannot be reduced to simplicity or formula by naive desire, fragile ego, or imposed doctrine.

An acquaintance said to me last week, “I see things in black and white. I think that’s the way it is. It’s always worked for me.”

I could only reflect: what a colorless, tasteless, and restricting world–imprisoning and cruel for those not so very fortunate as she.

These are the things I believe as the Woman I have become:

I believe every human is sacred

Be they Prostitute or Pope

That our every word and deed

Should mind the deep respect due

Every other

I believe in the sanctity of personal choice

That freedom means no other–Even the law excepting the indisputable extremes

May dictate or judge the path I choose to embrace

I believe in difference

That change and other

Represent expansion and opportunity and richness

And I will not narrow my soul nor other’s potential

By demanding the comfort of conformity and sameness

I believe in goodness–and evil

As forces which dwell solely in the human will

Whether by grace or guile,

I change my world one act–one attitude at a time

I believe in justice

That we must accept and respect

Others treatment of ourselves

As it reflects our treatment of

And philosophies regarding them

I believe in balance

That mercy and accountability–happiness and pain

Are inseperable necessities which

Can cripple and debase

And inspire and encourage

I believe in becoming

That ourselves and our world

Are stunning imperfections to behold

With respect and patience and appreciation and healthy expectation

For journeys made and yet to come.

I believe in humans

That we can find our way

That we can reach civilization

Though I fear horribly

Cowardice, greed, ignorance, indifference, fanaticism

And the need to be more than someone else

Instead of simply all we can be

I find that in the end of it all–still

I do believe