Nothing Is Unbearable

Christopher - Beaverton, Oregon
Entered on November 11, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

This I Believe

People say that you can’t go to heaven if you commit suicide. They say hurting yourself is a sin. What do you think about that? I think it shouldn’t matter if those are the rules because I have one strong belief. I believe God created no such burden to where man should resort to hurting themselves to get rid of the pain.

When I was 13 years old, about half way through eighth grade, my friends started changing and making choices that I wasn’t used to. I didn’t want to lose those friends because I had known them for a long time. I started to think. “How bad can this really be? Everyone does it now so why shouldn’t I do it?” Everything they did sounded so fun and I hate missing out on fun.

Within a heartbeat, I found myself under the influence and taking part in all the reckless ideas my friends had. I was having more fun than I thought was possible. My friends became the only thing that I cared about. Although it wasn’t so much my friends I was really thinking about, it was what I did when I was with them. I left the people who really cared about me for things I thought were more fun. What makes it even sadder is that it was really easy for me to do. I truly cared about nothing.

After nearly two years of living this lifestyle of carelessness and poor judgment, It came to the point where I had to choose both my family and true friends or trying to make life as fun as possible. I suddenly felt a deep emptiness in my life. If I had kept living the “fun life” I would’ve been kicked out of my house or turned into the police for crimes I had committed without getting caught. I couldn’t live that lifestyle anymore. It’s just not worth it.

This emptiness I felt inside of me seemed so overwhelming. I felt like I had nothing. I had thoughts about hurting myself, as if the lifestyle I had been living wasn’t harmful enough. People could tell I was depressed. Every day after school, as soon as I got home, I would lock myself in my room for the rest of the day. I wondered what it would be like if I just jumped in front of a car or a bus or something. I didn’t think about the life ahead of me, how much more I had to live for.

My brother and my pastor from church became the biggest influences in my life. They introduced me to someone named God. I wanted to know how God would be able to make me happier. I decided the easiest way to find out would be to ask him myself. When I did, he said “time heals everything, just wait.” My heart started pounding. Trusting God was the best decision I’ve ever made. I live now with no regrets.