Journey to the Center of Somewhere

Mary Sue - Los Angeles, California
Entered on November 10, 2008

Mary Sue’s Journey to the Center of Somewhere

There has to be a reason why a woman in her prime, mother of 3 and wife of almost 20 years is diagnosed with a physically and mentally debilitating disease. A writer, a filmmaker, a visionary… blinded by chance.

I have to believe that if I search long enough, pray enough and read enough, I will be able to make sense of the new chaos that clutters my life. I have to imagine that the vitamins and medicine, yoga poses and exercise, deep breaths and power walks are adding up to a future I can manage. Organic fiber, calcium laced snacks and flax seed in my cereal. Less alcohol, more water and better posture. Less stress, more rest and vegetables. Good fat, not bad fat and no free radicals. No free radicals.

I pretend I’m chosen, that God has special plans for me. That He didn’t give me more than I can handle and that infact, I will turn this curse into a blessing. I try to look past my body to a bigger vision as if I was brave and steady. If I were enlightened, I’d know that the body is merely a vessel. More proof that I have a long way to go on this spiritual journey

I have become more compassionate, more gentle with the world and myself…seeing deeper into souls, not so certain and selfish. Not so impatient and absent, but, I am quick to laugh and quicker to cry.

I wonder if I should have given more to the people who walked for cancer, not hung up on the people who kept calling for Leukemia donations. I probably should have donated blood and I’m really trying not to call people morons or retards (with the 43rd President as an exception).

For the first time, I don’t know what I know. All I have is what’s in front of me… My husband catching me when I stumble, my youngest son’s loud and rowdy singing. My 10 year old’s holds my hand crossing a street, even though it embarrasses him because he knows I need it to keep balance and my 12 year old giving me a 2nd bedtime kiss. The constant stream of little hellos from life friends.

I’ve met movie stars, Olympic Athletes and rock stars but now it’s the doctors that get me excited. A world turned up-side-down.

I have to believe that this new self will add up to something more. I have to believe that there is a higher purpose and that my dreams will come true in spite of and maybe even because of my new challenges. I have to believe that by living a deeper, more compassionate existence, I will find meaning and be able to share in the heart of humanity in a way that adds up to something worth counting, a life worth living and a journey worth taking.