The makeup of my Self-worth

Annie - Cypress, Texas
Entered on November 10, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

Some people call me lazy. Sometimes I call myself lazy. Others may say I just don’t care, but believe me, I do. Some say I’m pretty enough without it, but that’s not what runs through my mind when I look in the mirror. Every morning I wake up and choose to be vulnerable. With purple tints, due to lack of sleep, lightly bruising the area under my eyes, or skin that isn’t the ideal “peaches and cream” complexion, the image reflecting back at me in the mirror isn’t always model quality. Yet, every morning I look down at the makeup kept under my sink, and choose to let it sit and collect dust for one day more.

It’s not that I never used makeup, because in middle school I did. Before school every morning I’d get out the compact eye shadow and smacker’s lip gloss and apply them to my face until I was satisfied with my results. Using powder and mascara with the strokes of a painter, my face was the canvas for my work of art, my self-created beauty. I’m also a dancer, so every dance competition or performance, my big container of products would be taken out and broken into. With quantities of blush, lipstick, and eyeliner heavy enough not to be drown out by stage lights, my performance makeup was a little different from my everyday makeup, but it just gave me more versatility and experience in applying it. Obviously, makeup was not foreign to me and I was not inept or unfamiliar with how I looked wearing it. In fact, at times I found pleasure in transforming the monster in the mirror to a presentable lady that words like beautiful and stunning may be used to describe. However, it came to a point where I no longer wanted to create my own beauty; I wanted it to a part of me with or without enhancements. I believe self worth comes from the inside, and can never be taken away.

Every girl wants to be beautiful – to be valued. I want to value myself for who I am. When I put on makeup, I feel myself get caught up in finding worth in how I look and feel like with every brush of concealer I apply to my face, I’m concealing who I really am. I don’t want to feel worthy because I used mascara today and didn’t yesterday, or just bought new eyeliner that doesn’t smudge, I want to feel worthy because of who I am, because I shine from the inside out. I want to be beautiful, but I don’t want to be beautiful because my eye shadow draws out the green in my eyes, I want to be beautiful because what you see is what you get, always. So everyday I choose to neglect my makeup, I choose to show who I really am, to find my worth within me, plain and bare.