I Believe I’m losing my son.

Oluyemisi - Snow Hill, North Carolina
Entered on November 10, 2008

I believe I’m losing my son. I am trying my best to hold on but it’s getting harder and harder. I try to diagnose the problem, racking my brain. I wonder what happened, where is my sweet boy that I once knew? Why doesn’t he listen, why doesn’t he care about anything, why is he so angry? We have tried to do everything right, provide him with a stable, safe and loving home, great spiritual, fun loving friends. But at times it seems the more we do the more he pushes us away.

I believe loving my child is breaking me down, both mentally and physically. I never thought that the love and joy I experienced growing, moving inside my belly could come back and grieve so! Labor pains were one thing, but this labor of love pain is a totally other. Here is my child who doesn’t love me, respect me, or obey me. His attitude is repulsive and disgusting and I’m so sick of it! At times he is so unbearable to be around, yet he is my son and I love him with all my aching heart!

I believe that it is so hard being a mother in these last days. Suffering the heartaches as well as the joys of parenting, which seem to dwindle as the years go on. I know I’m imperfect and miss the mark, but I am trying so hard. I feel I’m running out of options. At this point, I do believe that were he not my child, I’d give him over to himself. To the way in which he seems to be heading, or over to the world if you will. But how could I? How would I feel? I pray to God Almighty, “Please, give me strength. I am trying to the best I know how to be an imitator of you and not give up on my son the way You haven’t given up on your people.” I look forward to the day when he stops pushing and comes to his senses and accepts the love that I and all those around him want to shower him with.

So, I believe I won’t quit. I’m going to fight and fight hard. I believe I if I have to go into the belly of Sheol to get him, I will not let my beloved son go. No! Not without a hard fight. I’m not looking for anyone to tell me that my struggles are profound, I didn’t die to save people who didn’t love me or didn’t want to be saved. I’m just a mother who refuses to be standing in the morgue identifying my son or standing in the court room as he’s being hauled off to jail. No! I will be a mother hugging her son and watching him thrive on the other side of Armageddon.

I believe that there is no pain like a mother’s love, but a mother knows that it is not given in vain.