It was always my belief that there are hard ways and easy ways to do things. I like to do things the easy way, and for me, that meant planning ahead. Over planning ahead. When my husband and I decided to start a family, we had the baby books, the sonograms, the baby diets, and all the mommy and daddy regalia.
There was nothing I believed more than that this was exactly what should be happening in our lives and that nothing could go wrong. Nothing could go wrong, because I had planned every last detail of the deliver, and first few months of our daughter’s life.
That things would not happen as planned was not an option, until they did. Our daughter Emily Frances was born a day early, and only lived for 5 hours and 20 minutes.
To say that we were shattered is an understatement. I could no more control the universe than the destiny of my infant and my own body. I had no control, and nothing to do but let depression decay my soul and body.
I wanted nothing more than to stop breathing, planning, thinking and most of all feeling. I wanted to stop. My mentor called me one afternoon, after spending the day in bed, and listened to me cry about all of my plans and hopes being ruined. She told me my plans didn’t matter, that only God’s did. She made me get out of bed, and told me that I had an obligation to keep going.
And that statement, more than anything else, made me realize that only God could alter the universe and only because of his power could I be. My only purpose was to be the best that I was capable of through his vision of me. I had to keep going. I had to keep being the person I was supposed to be.
Now, 2 and a half years later, I believe that my purpose is to keep going. When I’m tired of teaching and homework and meetings I come home and wear my 1 year old down, then wind down with a daily wrap up of the day with my husband. I no longer micromanage the months ahead, because I believe now is more important than ever before.
I can’t change the universe. Some days, I don’t even want to change diapers. But I believe I have to keep going. Stopping is easy.
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