Have you ever felt unwanted by one or both of your parents? I believe that everyone should be loved from both of their parents in their lifetime. Now, yes my mom loves me with every piece of her amazing heart. My father, on the other hand, does not. I remember when I was a little girl my dad would abuse me. He would starve me when I went to see him. When I would go to see him, I would scream and cry and take a death grip to my mother’s neck. I have heart breaking nightmares about what he did to me when I was young. I wake up shaken and crying, my cheeks wet from the tears. I am scared because it took me back to a horrible point in my life.
It hurts to know that my father does not love me. When people ask, “what is your dad like?” I simply say that my father means nothing to me anymore. The person normally asks why, just like any normal person should. However, I do not like talking about it now. Every time I think talk or write about my experiences, I feel the silent tears roll down my cheeks. Sometimes I look back and ask myself how could I have even lived through the things I did? When you have a father, but he does not care, he hurts you and is always drunk and doing drugs, your whole life is changed drastically. The excruciating pain is difficult to describe.
I have had to live with only the support and guidance of my mom. Most people have two main people in their lives that love them with a passion. I do not. I see kids with both of their parents, both mother and father, arm in arm, laughing. I think to myself… how could my life be changed if my dad actually cared?
If for even part of my life I could have known what it was like to go to my dad for something or be able to have fun with him. I see other people with their dads laughing and having a good time and I almost break down. I hide the fact that I want and I wish that my dad cared.
Sometimes I find myself questioning my mom about why my dad is like the way he is. Why does he not care? Did I do something wrong? And then I just fall to the ground and start crying. My mom tries to comfort me, it helps a little. But the true heartache that he has caused never really subsides. She tells me it is not my fault. I try to believe her but deep down inside I feel that it is my fault that he does not love me. That it is my fault that he abused me in more ways then one. I believe that everyone should be loved by their parents. No being loved is an indescribable feeling. It is the worst emptiness and the most horrible broken heart anyone could ever receive.
So if you are a parent. I challenge you to be there for your kids one hundred percent of the time, because you never know what their going through. Just be there, it means more then the world to them. It really hurts them when you don’t love them or do not want to be around them. I believe in this love now and forever.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.