These words I speak, I believe in more than anything. I believe it is not the fear of speaking, it is the fear of actually being heard. If no words were being spoken no one would hear. But can anyone actually understand not just these words, but the meaning? Can anyone understand the reality of these words, of my words?
I have a red dress on tightened so I can not breathe. My sister and I walk up to the stage, trembling. The microphone is standing up straight absorbing our slow breaths as if a sponge absorbing water. We glance at each other, hesitating to be heard but wanting more then ever to be understood. An accompaniment starts to chime in. Slowly we place our cold fingertips on the microphone, realizing a shock of numbness. Eight hundred people, in the dark room with one light on, it is looking down on us. Their faces have pity in them as if they think we can not do it but I believe we can. They feel bad; I can see it in their eyes I look to see anyone who might be able to comprehend. We begin to sing as a sound of sweet harmony awakens. The sound whispering is so fragile making an echo heard.
These words we sing, they mean so much to us. They speak of our life, they are our life. They are our words, only ours, they are the breaths that make us live. That is why we are singing them. Blind ears sit down in the audience not even hearing the sound. Green, blue and brown eyes in the audience see two teenage girls, scared. We are, but that is not why our hands shake so violently. Is it because someone might understand? Understand these beautiful words flowing out into a key that only a woman can sing. But there are no women singing, just two girl. They are bleeding their feelings out, like a pen exposing itself for the first time. To the audience it is nothing, just spilled ink, just words to be listened to but not heard nor understood.
They do not understand, understand these words we force out so finely. I believe I shake because I know someday, sometime, someone will understand. Understand me, understand why I try so hard to be understood. Understand why I sing so quietly so the judgements of my sound will not be made at any moment. My words will be heard one day. So I will keep singing not just for the contentment of a beautiful sound. So others will understand my words and why they speak of reality. They are my words, I believe in them.
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