Everyone has a dark side to their past, some skeletons in their closet, or some secrets that no one else knows about that causes such guilt that it is almost crippling. I know I do. And no matter what you try, the shame and guilt never seems to go away. The one way to get rid of that guilt can’t be done on your own, though. That’s why I believe that life hurts, but God heals.
My past is no clean, shining, happy lifestyle that I would like it to be. Especially for the past year, my past has been spent almost 90 percent in depression, and maybe 10 percent in happiness. No one could help me through it either, because whenever someone else was around, I hid my feelings, locked them deep down inside so no one would suspect something was wrong.
It was when I was alone, that the problems really surfaced, and I could not hide from my feelings with no one around. I was addicted to the internet and the raunchy pictures and videos I could find there. The shame that I felt for so long now doesn’t bother me in the least. The reason is simple; I finally came clean to God about what I had been doing and how much it had distanced me from Him.
It was the summer before my junior year in high school. I liked to call myself a Christian, but I really had no faith left in God. My faith was invested totally in physical lust. I decided to go on this summer retreat, called Sandblast, mainly because all of my friends from church had stories about how great it was in the past. But I also had a secret reason to go; I knew that I couldn’t keep living a lie and pretend to be a Christian, so I decided to finally come clean with God.
I was scared to death. Finally, I told my small group everything that I had been doing, and asked for them all to pray for me to get over it all. I told them how my relationship with God had been almost completely destroyed, and how I had been depressed and considered suicide more than once.
Instead of laughing at me or distancing themselves from me, like I thought they would, the guys got up around me in a huddle, prayed that God would help me through this tough time in my life, and let me know that they were there if I needed them.
Now, I remember clearly what I have done, and when I begin to feel guilt about it, I just remember that I have been forgiven by the one person who matters, God. Since Sandblast I have been forgiven of many other things, and now I just try to live a life without regrets or guilt, a life where I don’t have to ask for forgiveness. And that’s why I believe that life hurts, but God heals.
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