I believe in losing yourself. I believe in becoming an entirely different person from just one experience. I believe I lost myself the day that he died.
Everybody has their own way out. Some write, some sing, some paint, and others find their way to death. It’s not a bad thing. When it gets too hard, just let go right? That was the case for Shane. His death was a life changing experience, more like a wake up call. My life made an unexpected turn, maybe for the worst or possibly the best; but, three years later, I’m still unable to figure that out. When I first realized what happened, I was in total disbelief, for days I asked myself the same questions over and over again, and never did I reach a conclusion. I forced myself to believe that I was going to be “ok” because that is what everyone kept telling me. So I let loose. In order to cover up the fact that I was in constant pain, I began to do things that I never intended on doing: some were good, but most were bad. I was a disappointment to myself, my family, but most of all to him. Slowly, I became my own worst enemy.
A year later, after my reign of terror began to come to an end, I realized that I didn’t know who I was. Locked up in chaos and confusion, I lost myself. My smile told everyone I was ok, but my eyes told a completely different story. I was in a constant state of frenzy, for so long I had refused to look back into the past, to relive those haunting memories; I wanted nothing to do with my life back then. It was at that moment, that I knew I had to make a decision. I either keep on the degrading path that I was on, or I turn the other way. And turning the other way might have been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Eventually, I became more content; I smiled because I wanted and not because I felt like I had to. I was almost me.
I don’t think I ever totally found myself again, and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve learned that was a time in my life I will never escape. It was a lesson learned well. He made me realize that nothing will stay the same, that it isn’t entirely bad to lose yourself. It allows you to appreciate who you were and who you are. His death changed me for both the worst and the best. He allowed me to realize that if it gets too hard it will be alright.
He made me believe that by losing yourself is the only way you can find yourself.
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