I believe all I have is time

JENNA - CRETE, Nebraska
Entered on October 22, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: carpe diem, death

All I have is time and I better use it. I remember dancing the night away after we were crowned “Prince and Princess 2006.” I remember hugging him in my cheer uniform when we were celebrating winning the football championship in 2006 and him breaking the rushing record. I remember holding his hand as we walked to our seats before our graduation ceremony, both of us beaming with bright futures. I also remember walking to his casket to say my last good-byes so hurt, confused, and in shock.

Nathan as a special part of who I am today and unfortunately, I never got to tell him because his life was taken in a car accident at age 19. I hit an ultimate low in my life after this horrifying accident but I am accepting what happened even if the road to happiness is grueling.

A few days after the funeral I stood at Nathan’s grave and I cried until my head hurt and after 10 minutes of this a memory of Nathan crossed my mind and I let out a giggle through the tears which was probably the work of my friend who was infamous for being the joker. At that moment an epiphany hit me. All I have is time. And I better use it.

All I could think of was to use my time doing everything Nathan wasn’t able to. I spend too much time going through the motions of life and not using my time wisely. I called my brother Ryan who is a manager at Cabelas and I told him I wanted to learn how to shoot a bow, go on an elk and swan hunting trip with him, learn how to duck call and fly fish.

The next bucket list to do was finding a friend to go sky diving with me in Crete Nebraska and thankfully my friend Ashley promises she’ll be here in May to take the leap with me. I want everyone in Saline County to hear me yell “this one’s for you buddy!”

I also can not keep promising my ailing 80 year old Grandma that I’ll be out to see her “sometime.” because there is no “sometime.” I am hoping there is a school break coming up in a week or two and that will do. I can not wait to ask her 1,000 questions about the olden days and really listen to her stories.

I don’t want to make unrealistic goals. I just want to indulge in all the simple things that life gives us which I unfortunately took for granted during my 20 years. I want to walk in the country during harvest time and see farmers driving tractors with all of the beautiful colors. I want to say I love you’s , get two angel wings tattooed on my shoulder , give an important speech , read books , save a life as a nurse and someday bring a human life into this world. I want to feel alive because my special friend can’t and the fact that I can is the greatest gift.

I want everyone in my situation to know that it is OK to hurt , to cry or scream but taking the hurt and doing something exciting with it is the best counseling. I refuse to sit around thinking about how unfair it is that my friend isn’t with me anymore and wallow in grief. Nathan and I will meet again but I can not sit around waiting until that wonderful day because “all I have is time!”