You Must Let Go and Watch the Colors Change

Anya - Barnardsville, North Carolina
Entered on October 19, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: change, family

You Must Let Go to Watch the Colors Change

Yesterday, I discovered the coolest Gaelic rock band; filled with banjos, lazy violins, fiddles, screeching bagpipes, guitars and drums. It took my soul and placed it dancing on an Irish hilltop with all the bonny lasses. It really reminded me of my sister. It brought me back to the times she took me to the Scottish games, the weekly movie nights, the contra dancing, the countless spur of the moment coffeehouse runs, and all the times we spent just hanging out not doing much of anything. She was my best friend. I never would have imagined our having only one cold conversation a week after a boyfriend appeared into her life.

Looking back I really don’t know how our relationship changed so fast. For a while I couldn’t even remember a day spent without hanging out with my sister. Then she met Matt, and my drop to the bottom began. The more time she spent with him, the less time she had for anything else. I got caught up in resentment and anger. It was like a carnival ride; taking you up to the ultimate high, than dropping you at such a rapid speed you don’t realize what happened until you violently hit bottom. Afterwards you stand there with a turning traumatized stomach and a brief memory of the joy ride to the top. I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be, like that joy ride to the top. Until things were fixed, I decided I just wouldn’t care.

One day, my mother told me that my sister and Matt were engaged. I pretended that it did not bother me that she hadn’t shared the news of her engagement with me. I pretended that I did not care if I was involved in this significant moment in her life. The longer I sat there pretending not to care, the harder it got to pretend. I realized that deep inside I really did care, so much that I created an armor to shield bitter pain. I thought that by unyielding to change I could bring our relationship back to life, but now I realize my stubborn resistance only killed it.

Now I understand change is inevitable; in fact, I believe it is a natural, beautiful part of our lives. It keeps us evolving mentally, physically and emotionally. I believe that in order for us to keep living, we must release the past and let ourselves go to change. Letting go allows us to accept and deal with the aftermath. I thought that turning my back to change would help me to avoid it, but instead all I really did was avoid and turn my back on my sister. With my back turned I missed out on the inviting “hi’s”. Most importantly, I missed life’s critical moments, moments I should have shared and celebrated.

No longer will I stand in the way of change. When the winds of change blow through, I will not cling to the leaves of my life; instead, I will freely let them go. I will sit on the ground with loving tears in my eyes and watch their familiar colors change. When my tears dry, I will realize that I am ready to embrace and welcome my leaves, whichever way they descend and settle back into my life.