Unforgivable

Yuv - marietta, Georgia
Entered on October 17, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

I am guilty, guilty of hurting innocent people. Forever my dream was to be innocent, but my mind is overflowing with ideas that sometimes impair my judgment make my actions harmful. My attempts to slow down my mind have done nothing more than distance me from reality. I never forgave myself for who I was. I wanted to change but I couldn’t.

One day, I lost myself around one of my most trusted friends. It started as a simple game. My friend stole my bouncy ball and I chased him around trying to retrieve it, but every moment I failed to get it, I became less patient. Wildness glazed my eyes ,and I lost all sight of right and wrong. This was no longer a game. There was no way my friend, now my prey, was getting away with my bouncy ball. Adrenaline filled my body with a killer instinct. My friend never noticed what was happening to me. Once I caught up to him, it got out of hand. His every attempt to escape my grasp became a brutal wrestling match. He laughed as if it was still only a game. With every savage move, I let him know this was no longer a game. Yet he continued to laugh. I finally stepped back. Why was he so persistent? Was he taunting me? Then I saw it in his eyes. He knew I had lost myself. He knew that this was no longer a joke to me. He knew it, but as long as he played it as a game, it would be a game. The moment he loses the smile and drops the ball, it would be my loss. It was only a game. He had to let me know.

Weeks after the event I apologized to him, expecting nothing in return. To my surprise, he looked me square in the eyes and forgave me. His eyes showed no hate or dishonesty. I was even more ashamed of myself now, but instead of ending it there, my friend said to me, “Now it’s your turn. Forgive yourself.” I looked up at him confused. Forgive myself? How could I? This was not a one time thing. I don’t trust myself. I don’t…trust…myself. Then it dawned to me. How could I change if I don’t trust myself? How could I trust myself if I can’t learn to forgive myself? I can’t. And so I tried to forgive myself. At first I was hesitant, but soon I learned to accept the past as the past, and I forgave myself. It felt good. I can move on.

I no longer fear myself as I once did. I can honestly say I am not innocent yet, but I can surely say I am not guilty. From here on, every step I take can only take me forwards. I believe that everyone should learn to forgive themselves. You might regret the past, but that regret should not be carried into the future.