Being Strong

Meghan - Canton, Michigan
Entered on October 8, 2008

On March 21st 2007, I had a baby girl. 3days later I placed her up for adoption. I was 18 when i had Hailey Lynn. Even though I had been with my boyfriend for two years, I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn’t bare to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I was actually in denial for most of the pregnancy. The first few months I figured I was just paranoid, or stressed out from school, so I ignored it. Then the rumors started flying around the high school and I just kept denying it to everyone. Why you may ask? Because walking through those halls and seeing people lock their eyes on your stomach, and then turning to their friends and laughing or whispering to each other is really hard to deal with. The only person that I told was my best friend and she promised she wouldn’t say a word. I didn’t even tell my boyfriend yet, or my parents. Being adopted myself, directed me into making a decision. I knew my parents wouldn’t ask me to get an abortion but I just know that they would be disappointed and me, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. So I just dealt with it by myself… the morning sickness, the headaches, the backaches, the sleepless nights. I had no prenatal care, and had no idea when I was due. As my stomach continued to grow I was still in denial, and thought maybe I was just “getting bigger” or “eating too much”. People began to ask me, and I would continue to deny it, and lie through my teeth.

I knew the day was coming but I still ignored it. I began to feel little weird and was in some pain, so I called my mom and told her the rumors were true and that I was pregnant and I needed to see a doctor. We went to my family doctor and she figured that I was due that day; I had Hailey Lynn the next morning. I was in shock, I had nothing ready, nothing prepared. Thoughts were going through my head, and my hands were trembling. When I saw her I got a tear in my eye and a smile on my face. She was perfect! My little angel! But then I realized I couldn’t give her what she needed; I couldn’t buy her all the best toys, and her first bike, roller skates, and a new car! I couldn’t make her live with her grandma and grandpa while growing up. I couldn’t put her in daycare every day so I could go to work and support her. She needed a married couple that was ready to take on a family, not a teenage girl who was barely ready to take on college! So I met a wonderful family and gave them the greatest gift. Like my parents, they had fatality problems also, and were so thrilled to add to their family! I still get pictures every year!

People think I took the easy way out, or “gave” my child away. My belief is that what I did was not taking the easy way out. That what I did was the hardest decision I will ever have to make. I think about my baby every night and look at her pictures twice a day. I pray for her everyday, and I question my decision all the time. When I meet a new person they will never know what I did, but when I look at the stretch marks that have still failed to disappear I remember. The looks and stares when I went back to school, my stomach was flat but the comments were so mean. I believe everything happens for a reason and I did the right thing. I believe in believing that I did the right thing and staying strong.