Being a Mother
Growing up, I didn’t have a childhood that a child would want to experience. My parents divorced when I was around 2 years old and they had trouble getting along with each other. I had a mother who didn’t know how to love me or even how to love herself. She only knew how to buy people gifts to show her love. She spent the early years of my life focusing on a lifestyle that wasn’t a positive one for me. My mother exposed me to violence and abuse that caused me to lose some of the joys of being a child.
I would be at school and remember how the kids would talk about fun things they did with their mother over the weekend with smiles on their faces. It would depress me at times not understanding why I didn’t have those experiences. I would set there with tears in my eyes and remember how over the weekend she had yelled at me all weekend, sent me to my room, and she would have spent time with my younger brother and step dad.
I eventually grew up with lots of anger and hatred towards my mother. How hard was it to just hug me, tell me she loved me, or spend some quality time with me? It was obvious to me that she didn’t want me but she wouldn’t dream of giving me to my dad and step mom, where I truly belonged. That would make her look bad to her family or others outside our family.
These younger years were very painful but I knew that someday I would be a mother and would love my children so much. There would be no more pain when it came to the word motherhood. I had decided I did not want to carry on the bad behavior I had been experienced to.
So years later I found a wonderful man and we decided to get married. We now have 5 children together. I have a stepson and 4 children of my own. They range from the ages of 11 to 5 months. With each child I had, I laid on that bed at the hospital, and the first sight of seeing them after delivery I cried with joy and was completely overwhelmed with excitement over the whole experience. I have been blessed with bringing four beautiful babies, so innocent and pure, into this world and was going to do all I had to and make sure they knew what love was all about. I have watched my children grow and they know how much they are loved and they have no worries about their safety with my husband or me.
I remembered in the past people always telling me once you have children your mother will be so much better with them and you’ll forget about your childhood. My mother, unfortunately, is not better and I have been able to put my past behind me. I have learned over the years to love her because she is my mother but I don’t have to accept her negative behavior, nor do my children. Hopefully some day she will love herself so she can enjoy her grandchildren. I would never change my past for it has made me who I am today.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.