Our neocortex, the fleshy base of our humanity, ensures us that we can always rely on having 3 fears. Each one came at a different point in our evolution, but to remove them would be to remove our capacity to imagine, and as so often condemns us to Shakespearian ends, ignore our intuition. The thrill of the human element derives directly from our capacity to choose between impetuous delight and baser animal drives.
I’ve found that hesitancy can be accredited to the fear of mortality, the fear of not having enough, or not being enough.
Two weeks ago I was encapsulated in a 65 mph bullet of appreciation. Crunch! Face wrinkle into a brick wall to remind me that, as Thoreau put it, “Our life is frittered away in detail.”
I was already enjoying my day-to-day; actively reading Bradburry, talking to the moon, making efforts to call friends who lived dozens of digits outside of my zipcode. The sense of getting dunked into a vat of ice water that usually accompanies a car accident had passed over me like the whisp of the reaper’s cloak on the cheek of a resuscitated patient. What I got from this crash was a slam into the arms of everyone I love- I saw who cared for me, saw who I needed to draw closer.
A close friend of mine once told me that, “Our hesitation on life is where we sleep.”
I realized that I had been drowsy with fear, immobilized with my petrification at the thought of losing them- like our ancestors faced with the visage of a Colossus. Here was a primitive man, wielding spear and panic, in my subconscious—heaven forbid the mammoth of unrequited affection stomp me out. More than death I was afraid of that choked silence when you offer your love as an improvement in another’s life, and they are sorry to say you could be of no assistance.
My fear was rooted in rejection- but at this point, the fact that a speeding catalyst of a Jeep Cherokee didn’t do the same to me prioritized mobility in another sense.
I moved to exercise the First Amendment- The right to scream my love, the ultimate abolishment of inertia. I had reached my variable threshold- 65 mph off of the freeway was enough to break the scare-barrier. I called everyone I knew, let friends of 2 years know that for the first time, they were my priority. Kissed everyone who would let me- Made my throat sore in telling them that their presence is the meat of my satisfaction. Not one of them were reluctant to hear it—big shocker.
I believe that every individual can set their own differential threshold- you can’t afford to wait for a speedometer to relay to you the limit of courage it takes to make a loved one look forward to rising every day.
It hit me- Fear cannot exist where love abounds.
How DARE I associate one with the other.
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