I believe in chaos; pure chaos. Disorder, pandemonium, commotion; I love the whole mess of it all. I think chaos is fascinating. I find order in disorder-that’s where I find my sense. Chaos is constant motion with no set pattern- craziness – but it is my way of life. Now I don’t mean “craziness” in the sense that I am a schizophrenic and believe that I am really Britney Spears, or “craziness” in the sense that I am a CIA agent and I have to change my location every week; no, the craziness I am refering to is the constant rush and activity that dictates my life.
Inside my head is a battlefield – if I had to make an analogy to the inner sanctum of my brain-I would liken it to New York City at rush hour. There are people trying to push me this way and that way, there are people who walk right into me, there are an infinite number of conversations, horns honking, people screaming; I simply get lost (yet found) in my own train of thought. Chaos and order are my yin and my yang. It is safe to say that I have an overactive psyche and that I can hardly ever calm down with all of these thoughts and ideas clashing into one another. On more than one occasion, I find myself wishing, hoping, praying that it would all just STOP. But I know that in the end, I wouldn’t trade my overactive brain or my hectic life for the world. I would rather be stressed by overwhelming feelings, than feel absolutely nothing at all.
I create mini itenraries in my head on an hour by hour basis, so I know that my day is jam-packed. First I’m here, then I’m there, then I’m due at this place, and then wanted at that place. There is hardly any room to breathe. But I believe in this type of craziness, because without having obligations, or being involved in the commotion of the world, I feel like I would be missing out on my dream. There is an underlying sense of ecstasy I feel at the end of the day, knowing that I took advantage of every minute.
Needless to say, I don’t like to sleep (but I know that I must meet the minimum requirement in order to live) or just simply “relax” (whatever that means) because I know there are a hundred other more productive things I could be doing, than just “being.” On occasion, I do get a fleeting urge to sit and collect my thoughts, but “fleeting” is the key word and the urge that I have, is extinguished almost immediately by my overpowering drive to be in constant motion – living in and around chaos, which creates my own sense of order.
As young as I am, I already have apprehensive thoughts about missed opportunities. Have I taken advantage of every situation and maximized my experience or is there something I left on the table – a life changing opportunity gone forever? It is this fear, this sense of chaos that drives me to keep moving, doing and changing so that I can eventually find that place where I am meant to be. I don’t know if that means as I age my sense of chaos will be inversely proportional or if there will just be a different sense of chaos with different rules.
But today, I firmly believe that this principle of constant motion and chaos prepares me well for life’s retaliations.
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