This I Believe

Berke - West Des Moines, Iowa
Entered on September 16, 2008

“It’s What God can do NOW That Really Matters”

I can’t change the past, although, I’d like to… Even when you think you’ve got things under control you don’t. There is someone “whose ways and thoughts are above my thoughts’ and knows what the present will be, and that the only thing that matters is how I rely on him here and now not for something that happened yesterday (as long as I confess I sins).

I have so many regrets and life determining moments that went the wrong way; I could go on for hours. But here I sit, a senior, trying to graduate, and finish the year with all A’s, but now I am mainly trying to get back in-tune with God. These will be some tough times for me, even though, I may not get back to my old completely healthy-self I can try and at least have that daily walk with God. I admit I have had my up’s and down’s when it comes to this relationship (like my grades), but I used to always blame it on my pain and serious injury. I had to suffer during wrestling season of 2005. That’s the past, it’s like quick sand, and it can drag me down if I let it by constantly telling the story all the time. It does have some good qualities and can help by showing helping me not make the same mistakes.

Sometimes I need to explain it to people who used to know me when mister “All-Star” because, now, they don’t recognize me. anymore For example, I was an All-State Defensive Player of the Year my senior of high school, graduating with honors. Even my best of friends from Mesa state, the college I attended out of high school. They remember someone who started as a true freshman, while keeping those good grades.

God had created a monster out of me. At, 5’ 11” weighing 245 pounds with seven percent body fat and as agile as the pre-season All-American defensive back, plus, my relationship with God seemed to be great. Those teammates and friends see me now and think WHAT? Who are you? I know your name, and I recognize your face…

But what happened. Well, a series of hard times’ like a previous injury and two car accidents that I continued to push past the limits, physically, by wrestling at another school in Iowa. Also, I watched my Dad almost die, all at the same time.

I just kept looking at the present, and thinking God would get me through it. He miraculously lived and instead of losing his life he settled with losing his leg. At this time, I was a commuter student with a dorm room, but I spent my nights awake and in pain on a hospital fold-out chair while seeing my dad suffer night after night following wrestling practice, homework, and a short time spent with my girlfriend. She’s another story all together, but I still managed to make morning practice, class, a run in between classes, and then back to practice while still in the worst pain I’d ever faced. I can’t believe god didn’t have a compassionate hand in that situation. Finally, on the last meet of the year I had to keep my mind in the present because I was talking to my coach about either getting the team some points by winning two or three matches (and have to forfeit the rest because I wasn’t physically able to do any more than that, but I was still pretty good), or I could go get my MRI on my neck and back to see what the problems actually were.

This wasn’t a time for me to ask someone what to do I had to turn to the Lord. I went with the MRI and found out what was causing the pain. I had a herniated disc, torn muscles, ligaments, tendons, and not to mention the few slipped discs causing the lightning feeling going up and down my spine.

Some would say “That’s terrible.”

Well, I knew I’d be better for it. It showed me a lot about who will lend a helping hand, how fast someone can lose “it” all, how much the human mind and body can take, and how much easier things are when God’s with you. I didn’t breakdown until a year or two after all that happened. I think I lost a step or two with God, but the doctors said pain had taken control of my mind sometime down the road afterwards I was in the hospital so many times I had to medically withdraw from my senior year: once for deadly streph infection, and the other for uncontrollable chronic pain that had gotten worse. I survived with help from the doctor, my parents, and especially the Lord. I could’ve easily gotten lost in the doctor’s fix me up medicine world. I believe the prayers of the saints, and His answers to ‘em got me spun around and headed in the right direction.

As Job said in severe crisis and worse pain “, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”

I believe that the Lord will supply my needs through the good time and the bad. He just wants me to not look back on what could’ve been or what will be, but if I rely on Him He’ll get me through the present. That’s why I’m sitting here as a senior at Simpson College focused on the “NOW,” which is what I believe.