I believe when I have kids I will be totally lost. I never had a relationship with my father; henceforth, I haven’t really got a grasp for the requirements of being a father. I did not experience a father-child relationship at all. My dad never took me places nor did he ever teach me anything. He never explained why the grass was green and the sky blue. He was never around. I can’t even remember what he looked like.
If people learn from experiences then I don’t have a clue. The only experiences I remember are ones I soon hope to forget. As a matter of fact, the only time I ever spent with my dad, alone, was when he was thumping me for not listening to my mother. I do remember one thing about my dad; he yelled a lot. He was always screaming his head off or slamming doors and throwing stuff. That’s how I remember him, ragging mad, a tornado of screams and anger ready to rip through anything that stands in his way. A few times I think I got in the way.
I used to sneak out of bed when I heard him pull into the drive, usually around 2 am after his drunken run at the bar, just to watch him stagger out of the truck and attempt to make it up the overgrown walk and into the house. Occasionally, I would watch him fall over and not get up. He would pass out right there in the front lawn and not move until morning. I wished he was dead. I didn’t really care. I felt I had been cheated and this infuriated me. I wanted my father to teach me life’s lessons. I wanted to know things like how to survive, how to make friends, and how to care for a family of my own one-day. I wanted to be able to pass my father’s teachings on to my children the way it is in the movies.
I’m sure I can figure something’s out on the road to parenthood, but there are certain qualities and morals that can only be taught through the long years of growing up. Things you would learn from your father like standing for what you believe, trusting in faith, loving and being loved. Things no-one else could teach you. I don’t know my families views on life, liberty and the pursuit thereof or if they stand for anything. What will I teach my children to stand for? I wanted to learn so much from him. I desired to have a role model I could look up to in situations where I felt afraid.
I want kids. I have always wanted kids; however, I wish I had a little more information to go on when it comes that time, information on life and all the different walks thereof. How much is too far when it comes to punishment and what to do when my daughter cries? I am entrapped behind a wall of questions and my father was the mason that built it.
I fear that I will be a failure of a father; I will let my kids down over and over just as my father did to me. I want to be sure they are happy and never doubt for a second that their father loves them. I will never let them see me wasted and passed out in the lawn. I will always come home straight after work, smiling as I walk through the door, just because I know they will be there.
I may not have a clue how to raise a child, but thanks to my father, I believe I know exactly what not to do. For this, I will always be grateful to him.
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