How many times have you heard this before? “The belt’s stopped working,” “there’s hair stuck in it,” or the famous, “the stupid thing broke.” No, I’m not talking about cars, or blow dryers, or some cheap toy, I’m talking about something much more sinister. I’m talking about something that makes as much noise as it does harvest evil, I’m talking about a man made device that’s seeking revenge by maliciously turning against its creator, I’m talking about something that can’t be stopped. I’m talking about vacuum cleaners, and how I believe that they are the closest thing this earth has to a pure, sinister and tangible evil.
Reason 1: Animals run from it. When you’re watching a movie and your average-Joe hero is in a forest, there always rumbles a faint tremor. Then suddenly and predictably, all the creatures in the forest jump out and sprint the opposite direction from which our hero had been traveling, and before he can turn around, the giant monster already has scooped him up and devoured him. The same thing occurs when you turn on a vacuum cleaner. If you own any pets, you’ll notice at the sound of the low, ominous drone that it emits, cute, little Foo-Foo will run in fear of it. For safety purposes, I suggest you do the same.
Reason 2: Vacuum cleaners appear to have so much promise, but that promise is fulfilled with annoyances. With all the bells and whistles attached to vacuum cleaners (metaphorically of course, we aren’t trying to make its noise even worse) you’d figure that it would just suck up all the dust in a torrent of wind powerful enough to destroy the most formidable of mobile homes. But guess what? It doesn’t. You get all the new blinking lights, you get all the new, cool attachable parts, and you get the new, handy margarita maker, but you still get the same faults; inconvenience and disappointment. Whether it be dragging an old, heavy vacuum around the house and giving you a severe case of scoliosis, or watching your high-tech, self-propelled vacuum cleaner absent-mindedly running into walls and tripping over socks, with neither option ever picking up any dirt, inconvenience and disappointment run rampant among the vacuum cleaner industry and all those whom happen to use them. But I have a solution.
Vacuum cleaner consumers, far and wide, do not give up hope yet. Like a shining, golden sun-rise, I have a solution, and as we all know its blackest just before the dawn. These disgraces to technology have gone unscathed in their perpetrations against the human race for too long, and we cannot allow it any longer. So I ask all of you to do a simple favor for me, for the entire world, to help set an example of these machines. We all must rally together, one and all, and gather our Hoovers, our Dirt-Devils, and our Orvecks and cast them into one giant, flaming funeral pyre as a sign to the masses that we will not stand for such evil to corrupt and influence our people any longer!
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.