I believe in the past

Michelle - Cardiff, California
Entered on July 20, 2008

I believe in the past. As I age, there seems to be a quickening to search for people from my youth; those who felt with me when I felt a lot, when I was first alive, when my heaviest weight was the water that held down my body in the ocean. I believe we all need these people who remember us free, unrestricted and new; whose fresh eyes looked at our lives and saw possibilities and hope. The urge to find these people usually hits in the middle years of our stories; when we begin to think that our hearts are a bit hardened, and all the emotions we will ever feel have already been felt. Perhaps this is a time in our lives when we realize that at one point we knew what profoundness was, but we lost it or became numb to the sensation of wonder- we closed the doors that led us into the secret world- or the doors were closed for us by time, neglect, and decisions made in times of weakness. During this time in our lives, we often look back and remember the people who started this long journey with us. Many of us looked forward to the breaking away from our youths, and most of us ran quickly into the mid-section of our lives without a look back. Many of us did this with good reason, and too many of us forgot so much about how we became exactly who we became.

I believe that we can never replace or forget the ones who experienced the firsts with us. The ones who held us when we cried with abandon over a failed love for the first time; the ones who laughed all night with us the first time we drank too much; the friends, who for the first time, broke the law together; and especially the people who loved us when we were bad to the bone and thought ourselves unlovable.

People search all the time for lost loves, lost youths and lost friends. We need this reminder, this reconnection to something much bigger then ourselves, and a remembrance that we are still, in fact, alive and vital. This urge to reconnect is there for a reason. It is felt with force and it won’t be ignored until the reconnection is established. We must still be vital, our hearts tell us, we must exist in some other dimension, some forgotten space of days long ago. We try not to believe that we have become only our roles which we have insisted on becoming during the middle years….We existed once, before we believed, and others believed, that we were only what we did. Ah, there was a time when we did nothing,(and did it well) and we existed. Find that again, our hearts tell us…. find those who remember…..

There is a reason for reunions, a reason that isn’t clear at anyone’s 10-year reunion. But wait, wait for 15, 20, 30 years…and see what happens to you as it approaches. Perhaps it is our mortality that comes into play as we privately seek out our old ties. Maybe.

I recently returned from finding some of these people of which I speak, revisited those places etched in my memory. I reconnected with the ones who recall my early smile, my first embrace, my brand new world – I found them, and with them I found myself again; my initial, authentic self. Although the past is over, it gloriously holds secrets of our present.