Marian - Homer, Alaska
Entered on July 6, 2008

So many times in my life I have said, to so many people, that I am the person who believes in NOTHING. Science? Technology? Angels? Ghosts? Spirits? Jesus? God? Science Fiction? Fantasy? Legend? Psionics? Empathy? Witchcraft? Magic? The Zodiac? My family, friends, pets and lovers? … I literally could go on forever looking for someone or something to believe in, the person or organization or higher power or practice that did not let me down, that did not hurt me, that did not leave me, in the end, alone and hurting and sad and broken.

And then…

I finally heard the message that a lot of people have been trying to tell me…

I cannot believe in anyone else…until I believe in ME.

I am not useless.

I am not a horrible person.

I have helped and taught and praised and loved so many.

And every time I extend myself, I am strengthening all of the unknowns. I am still not sure of any of them, but many of them have now touched me in positive ways. Instead of accusing them of hurting me from the outside, I now embrace people and the intricacies of life and nature and spiritual world that I do not understand, and reach for understanding. Life is a lesson. I still don’t know if that lesson matters in the long run. But I am not fighting the teachers, anymore. The journey has become the focus, instead of the worry of the destination. Life goes on, and of that I am glad.