There are times when turbulence hits our hearts hard, knocking us down from our place of happiness. Our hearts are tested. I believe in forgiveness no matter what. Those who I hold dearly in my heart control my forgiveness. My speed of forgiveness is determined by the love I share for the other person. I tend to give into my feeling of love, my knees start to shake and I crumble to the ground with forgiveness. I feel this is a fault in my personality.
It seems lately I have another situation where I want to forgive to an extent that I am willing to be wrong. The person I call my “brother” has been making my life confusing. I want to believe what he speaks and I feel sorry for him but there comes a point where I am torn back and forth so much, I feel dizzy and lost in reality. My love for him has not faded like others seem to have.
Last summer a young man journeyed into my life with a lost soul. His mother died and he seemed abandoned by his father. My family swept him into our lives as he spent a few months in my home. Dan, a foster child became my brother and apart of my family. His spark came alive again and for the first time I had someone I could talk to and not judge me or try to lead me to another path. Most weekends we sat down and tried to unravel the crossword puzzle clipped from the newspaper. Teamed as one we sat as long as it took to finish the puzzle. Both with an unrealistic past to most, we connected and through that puzzle we unraveled our own fears, thoughts and unforgiving life.
Now I hardly recognized the man on the news. Where his fuzzy hair used to be, a shine comes from the baldness of his head. I guess he no longer needs the comb I bought him for a mere graduation present anymore, identical to my comb he always used to grab. His body skinnier than ever, dry skin from lack of body lotion I also bought him, just like mine. “It’s perfect he said, the best gift of them all”. When Dan turned 20 years old, I thought about him all day wishing he were still living with us. I prayed for him that night, but I guess my prayer went unanswered, for trouble was ahead that no one could imagine. Somehow, I wish I could talk to this man and let him know he is not alone.
I cannot hide the overwhelming need to forgive. It’s uncontrollable to a point where I forget the reality of a situation. I refuse to condemn Dan. It’s been almost a year now since my family was whole. It’s hard to know the person who is locked away now. Though I will always forgive, and keep him in my heart, there is emptiness in my house.
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